humaninterest

“I hate the way you talk to me, And the way you cut your hair. / I hate the way you drive my car, I hate it when you stare. / I hate your big dumb combat boots, and the way you read my mind. / I hate you so much it makes me sick, It even…

Mounting shortages of medications like the ADHD treatment Adderall and the diabetes and weight-loss drug Ozempic have caused anxiety among patients who rely on them, with experts attributing the scarcity to multiple factors. The Onion tells…

The coronavirus that spread across the United States and became a pandemic in March 2020 will go down as one of the most difficult times in our nation’s history. Nearly every American experienced significant disruptions to their daily…

FRANKENMUTH, MI—Clarifying that you could never be too careful in this crazy, unpredictable world, local man Patrick Garland told reporters Thursday he always made sure the last thing he said to his parents was “I fucking hate you” just in…

Start SlideshowAfter years of hard work waiting for his mother to die, King Charles III is finally to be crowned the King of England. The Onion asked Brits how they are celebrating, and this is what they said.AdvertisementPrevious SlideNext…

SUNRISE, FL—Admitting that even the most incredible trips had to come to an end, local Aerosmith fan Tara Andrade, 67, told reporters Tuesday that she was sad this would be the last time she’d be giving Steven Tyler head after a concert.…

LOS ANGELES—Taking short breaks from standing imposingly behind a Writers Guild of America picket line, Scabby the Rat kept quietly trying to give striking Hollywood writers a copy of his screenplay, sources confirmed Tuesday. “Uh, this is…

SKOKIE, IL—Rolling their eyes at the octogenarian’s exaggerated, feeble movements, sources confirmed Tuesday that local 89-year-old Melvin Dressel was being a little showy about how hobbled he was. “We get it, you use a cane,” said sources,…

Start SlideshowRon DeSantis, the rightwing governor of Florida, has been making headlines due to his ongoing feud with Disney and rumored presidential bid. The Onion sits down with the prominent Republican to discuss his political…

WASHINGTON—Gesturing with a frail hand while shuddering under a blanket, President Joe Biden reportedly asked the nation Monday to come and sit by him and keep him company until the end. “Come, my hour draws near,” said Biden, who patted…