humans

BELLEVUE, NE—A cry of anguish escaping her lips as she buried her face in her hands, local mother Patricia Dutton was reportedly heartbroken Friday over the sight of her daughter looking so fat in her casket. “No, no, no—she’s practically…

Thousands of film and television writers who are members of the WGA are on strike for the first time since 2007, a move that could bring an immediate halt to the production of many television shows and possibly delay the start of new…

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Declaring that Americans have become more disconnected than ever before, U.S. Surgeon General Dr. Vivek Murthy tearfully warned of a national loneliness epidemic from an empty D.C.-area Chuck E. Cheese table, sources…

SPRINGFIELD, MA—Noting that the upcoming film would have a high bar to clear, local woman Reese Gillespie told reporters Monday she hoped Barbie would live up to her girlhood body dysmorphia. “I can’t wait for the Barbie movie to finally…

Like many corporations across the country, Fox News requires its employees to complete annual racial discrimination training to foster accountability and community in the workplace. Here’s what the media giant uses to keep its workers in…

ST, JOSEPH, MI—Sighing as he opened the bumpy envelope, local boy Finn Gleason, nephew of Transportation Secretary Pete Buttigieg, reportedly received another birthday card from his uncle Thursday that was filled with gravel. “‘Don’t…

NEW YORK—Drawing from almost three decades of experience of jerking off in the city, local New Yorker James Greene was reportedly counseling friend Troy Balaz Thursday on how to masturbate on the subway without looking like a tourist.…

Start SlideshowTake this practice test to see if you have the guts, courage, and ruthlessness to pass a police officer entrance exam.AdvertisementPrevious SlideNext SlideQ: What is your core duty as a police officer?Q: What is your core…

According to a report released by the Anti-Defamation League, incidents of antisemitism in the United States jumped to its highest level since the organization began tracking it in 1979, up 36% from the year before. What do you think?“We…

NEW YORK—Tracing the origins of a group that now makes up 5% of the U.S. population, a historian has uncovered documents that reveal the first Italian immigrant to reach America did so by boarding a boat on accident while she chased someone…