humans

LOS GATOS, CA—In a statement confirming the 46th president of the United States would not be providing it with so much as a voice-over, let alone an onscreen appearance, Netflix announced Monday there was no way in hell it would give…

LOS ANGELES—Stressing that the traps were not intended for human consumption, Los Angeles officials warned residents Wednesday to not touch poisoned food left out to deal with the city’s homeless infestation. “For their own sake, we’re…

WASHINGTON—Sighing as he gave in to the demands of all 330 million Americans, President Joe Biden announced Monday that the nation could stay up until 9:30 p.m. just this once. “But then it’s straight off to bed, no complaining,” said the…

CHICAGO—Laughing off another encounter, this time while riding the bus, local woman Lillian Bedford confirmed Wednesday that she just has one of those faces strangers feel comfortable masturbating to. “Waiting for a train, in line at the…

KYIV, UKRAINE—Arriving with a box of chocolates and a bouquet of flowers tucked under his arm, President Joe Biden informed Volodymr Zelensky on Tuesday that he was only in the region to visit a local woman he met online. “Sorry, pal, I…

OMAHA, NE—Noticing a shift in the winds and a rustling of leaves off in the distance, wizened office sage Frank Cahill whispered “Layoffs a-comin’” Monday as he stared out over the horizon. “Looks like diminishing head counts are coming in…

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IRVING, TX—Throwing back his head as he let out a screeching cackle, ExxonMobil CEO Darren Woods was reportedly using his crystal orb Thursday to watch Greta Thunberg get lost in a Nordic forest. “Dear little Greta, you seem to have…

LEAWOOD, KS—In a rollout of what the theater chain has dubbed “experience-based pricing,” AMC announced Tuesday that they were now basing ticket prices on proximity to a guy masturbating in the dark. “Starting Feb. 10, the cost of tickets…

WASHINGTON—Claiming that previous laws were inconsistent with the U.S. Constitution, the Fifth Circuit Court of Appeals ruled this week that domestic abusers could not be barred from owning an instrument of vengeance. “According to the…