humans

NEW YORK—In a remarkable turn of events that forced them to immediately surrender their long-held position of supremacy, white people were reportedly ousted as the master race Wednesday after their racist past came to light. “Today’s…

A 29-year-old woman has been arrested after allegedly using a forged birth certificate to enroll at a local high school, attending classes for four days before staff found out her age. What do you think?“No way she fakes her way into a good…

WASHINGTON—Addressing the need for swift and moderate change, U.S. officials reportedly called Tuesday for the correct amount of violence. “Like so many of you, I am outraged by the visibility of these senseless acts of hatred and…

DARIEN, CT—Members of the wealthy Allerton family reportedly read their mail with excitement Tuesday after they were sent a little life update on a senator they have sponsored for the past several years. “Thom is doing just great in the…

LOS ANGELES—Maintaining that the suspects were clearly trespassing on city property, the Los Angeles Police Department arrested dozens of homeless residents found squatting in a shelter Thursday. “Today, the LAPD received multiple tips…

CALUMET, OK—In an effort to prepare the teenagers for the reality of rearing children, students at Calumet High School were reportedly learning co-parenting skills Tuesday by fighting over who got to take their egg home for the weekend.…

The Vatican has defrocked the American anti-abortion priest Frank Pavone for what it called “blasphemous communications on social media” and “persistent disobedience” after he placed an aborted fetus on an altar and posted a video of it on…

AKRON, OH—During a press conference in which they described the game as the best option available for passing the long hours their parents spent drinking at bars, children of the nation’s alcoholics announced Thursday that they might as…

In a recent Fox News piece, sociologist Andrea Laurent-Simpson writes of the emergence of “multispecies families,” explaining that in “child-free families…dogs and cats paw in to fill a longing to nurture” and would-be grandparents “readily…

ANN ARBOR, MI—Having determined through empirical research that childrearing is bullshit and totally not worth it, a study published Friday by sociologists at the University of Michigan found that a growing number of American women are…