infant

SAN LEANDRO, CA—Deciding the infant was the last person anyone would ever suspect of carrying out a hit, local man Dennis Jeffries wired his baby $10,000 for killing his wife in childbirth. “Well, it was great working with you, kid—that’s…

HYATTSVILLE, MD—Helping to explain why the troubling statistic has increased significantly for the first time in two decades, figures from the National Center for Health Statistics released Friday showed that America’s rising infant…

ARGOS, NY—Offering an alternative for parents in the community who, for whatever reason, feel they cannot currently handle the burden of raising an infant, the Argos Fire Department has installed a no-questions-asked baby furnace outside…

A study that played the sounds of human and other ape babies crying out over a speaker found that crocodiles were drawn to the noises, in particular to the shrieks that sounded the most distressed. What do you think?“Sounds like they’d make…

REDMOND, WA—Noting that he already seemed to have such a knack with children and babies, local man Thomas Wellington was deemed a natural father Tuesday after he did not immediately strangle his newborn. “It’s amazing, right off the bat, he…

CALGARY — According to local sources, the Weaver family baby is smelling suspicious again after a brief period of olfactory normality. “Well, it’s not the diaper,” said Michael Weaver, after taking a big whiff of his six-month-old…