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OTTAWA – As a global tech outage disrupts operations in multiple industries, including airlines, banks, and health care, citizens across Canada have reported assuming that the poor service was merely business as usual. “My flight was…

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Though they belong to the most popular religion in the world, Christians remain mercilessly persecuted by a depraved subset of maniacs who do not believe in God. The Onion asked Christians why atheists are bullies, and this is what they…

LOS ANGELES—In an exclusive interview with podcast host Jay Shetty, former first lady Michelle Obama stated Monday that she was “terrified” what could happen in 2024 if Pennywise the Clown came back. “We cannot and we must not take the…

Start SlideshowA recent study found that the average age for new American parents is up to 26 for mothers and 31 for fathers, both record highs. The Onion looks at the top reasons why more Americans are putting off having…

“The movie was fine, but it didn’t feature nearly enough discussion of the immense suffering caused by people who throw horseshoes at bars and hit someone in the head, giving them a concussion and making them spill their beer all over…

SAN FRANCISCO—Emphasizing that it was only offering an opinion and any choice made would be acceptable, a little voice reportedly whispered, “…or you could just get takeout,” Tuesday despite already knowing it had won. “Just offering my two…

BOSTON—Noting that they definitely had some sort of mission statement when they started in 2015, leaders of a local nonprofit told reporters Tuesday that they no longer recall who they were originally planning to help. “Let’s see, I can…

Apple CEO Tim Cook will take a more than 40% pay cut this year after criticism from shareholders, a decision that will reduce his annual pay package from last year’s $99.4 million to $49 million. What do you think?“Hopefully, some of those…