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“I don’t understand why we’re having to convince people to get a job. It’s awesome! Jobs give you a minimum $174,000 salary, housing, health insurance, life insurance, annual allowances, a pension, a family death gratuity, free parking,…

Start SlideshowWith the fentanyl crisis continuing to spiral out of control in the United States, The Onion asked prominent Republicans and business leaders how they would get the deadly drug off the street, and this is what they…

“Wow, a speaker at CPAC. Pretty incredible, right? Guess Freaky Lauren isn’t such a freak after all, huh? All these important people seem to think I’m cool enough to talk at CPAC. Maybe everyone I knew growing up were the freaks? They’re…