jesus christ

Two-bedroom townhouse only 15 minutes from downtown and, Jesus Christ, what was I thinking trying to sell this all by myself? It’s too late to go get a realtor now because I know my wife will be all smug about it, after I insisted I could…

ROME—Following comments that drew an immediate backlash for what critics called an inappropriate and self-serving analogy, sources confirmed Friday that Zebedee Peters, a man who is currently being crucified by the Romans, has continued to…

From the beginning of recorded history, people have turned to religion as a way to find refuge, solace, and meaning. Judaism, Hinduism, Buddhism, Taoism, Islam, and most other religions point to their own prophets and teachers, but…

The number of migrants seeking to cross the U.S.-Mexico border has divided Congress and communities alike, leaving no clear path forward on immigration. But as a largely Christian nation, it’s reasonable that Americans should turn to the…

This year, “He Gets Us” spent an estimated $17.5 million on a pair of Super Bowl ads as part of their billion-dollar ad campaign. One commercial showed a series of images of people in various circumstances in answer to the question, “who is…

SANTA CLARITA, CA—Immediately regretting every drunken decision that led him to this point, local man John Ewing recoiled in disgust Friday after the pizza he woke up to looked nothing like what he brought to bed last night. “Oh my God,…

LOS ANGELES—Maintaining a neutral smile with a slightly furrowed brow to ensure it looked like he was really taking in the sights and sounds, Ben Affleck reportedly kept close control over his facial expression Thursday while watching the…

In a world where the right endorsement can make or break a presidential candidate, there is one opinion that matters most of all: that of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. The Onion asked Americans who they believed Jesus would vote for,…

CLEVELAND—Tossing and turning throughout the night, local cool guy Maxwell Dutra was reportedly unable to get to sleep Tuesday due to intrusive memories from all of the times he was awesome. “Oh God, no, no, no, no, I’m so fucking awesome,…

WASHINGTON—Shining their flashlights to reveal the pajama-clad president with a wild look in his eye, the Secret Service reportedly found Joe Biden on the White House lawn Thursday attempting to dig his own grave. “It’s nearly four o’clock…