jesuschrist

SKOKIE, IL—Rolling their eyes at the octogenarian’s exaggerated, feeble movements, sources confirmed Tuesday that local 89-year-old Melvin Dressel was being a little showy about how hobbled he was. “We get it, you use a cane,” said sources,…

PHILADELPHIA—Just days after it was revealed that 8,100 gallons of acrylic polymer solution had leaked into a tributary of the Delaware River, Philadelphia residents reportedly stopped drinking tap water Wednesday upon catching a horrifying…

JERUSALEM—In a discovery researchers say could transform millennia of belief about Christianity’s founder, archaeologists from the University of Oxford uncovered new evidence Wednesday suggesting that Jesus Christ used followers’ money to…

Onion Sports shares its expert analysis on the team that will come away with victory in Super Bowl LVII.AdvertisementPredictionList slidesPredictionCheck back in two weeks: Our pet gerbil who correctly predicts the outcome of the Super Bowl…

RIO DE JANEIRO—In the wake of a pro-Bolsonaro mob storming the nation’s capital, Brazilians expressed terror Monday that the riot could lead to years of tedious congressional hearings. “Oh God, we’re going to have to sit through month after…