jimmycarter

WASHINGTON—According to a poll released Wednesday by the Pew Research Center, the majority of Americans don’t trust Donald Trump or Joe Biden to watch their stuff while they are in the bathroom. “Our survey of over 10,000 likely voters…

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PLAINS, GA—Remarking that his decision to undergo the initial procedure had perhaps been made in haste, former President Jimmy Carter, 98, announced Tuesday that he had gotten his recent vasectomy reversed. “I regret closing that door as…

PLAINS, GA—Calling the move a solid investment in his future, former President Jimmy Carter, 98, announced Thursday that he had enrolled in a two-year program at an Atlanta technical college that would allow him to become a dental…

PLAINS, GA—Calling the split entirely amicable and long overdue, Jimmy and Rosalynn Carter confirmed their divorce to the press in statement released Tuesday. “Frankly, we both couldn’t be more excited to put our respective pasts behind us…

Former President Donald Trump is facing a potential indictment by the Manhattan district attorney over alleged hush money payments to adult film actress Stormy Daniels, setting off a national firestorm of controversy. The Onion tells you…

PLAINS, GA—According to sources familiar with the medical treatment he is currently receiving, former President Jimmy Carter, 98, underwent a conventional surgical vasectomy Tuesday in an effort to prevent any unwanted pregnancies. “I’m not…

PLAINS, GA—Alarmed that he might live indefinitely, former President Jimmy Carter reportedly began to worry Tuesday that he might never die. “How much longer will I keep going on like this—another decade? Two?” said Carter, staring at his…