john tory

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TORONTO – In the wake of Toronto Mayor John Tory’s shocking announcement that he will be stepping down after admitting he had an affair with a staffer earlier this year, residents across the city are saddened, but unsurprised, that Tory’s…

TORONTO – In breaking news, Mayor John Tory has announced his resignation after admitting to fucking Toronto. “It was a serious error of judgment on my part,” the longtime politician said during a press conference. “Between raising police…

TORONTO — At a news conference today, Mayor John Tory proposed increasing the Toronto Police Service’s budget by 48.3 million dollars in order to ensure that the people of his city would be kept safe from valuable social programs such as…

TORONTO – Rogers Family board member John Tory has been allowed to continue his night job as mayor of the city of Toronto. “I am thrilled to have the opportunity to serve the people of Toronto,” said Tory at a press conference next to an…

TORONTO – Unsubstantiated reports have begun to circulate throughout the metro area that some kind of municipal election may be taking place, quite possibly right under residents’ noses. “I keep hearing weird rumours,” explained Parkdale…

TORONTO – Running for re-election Mayor John Tory has promised voters that, with just one more term, he can complete his mission to make Toronto just as terrible to live in as it is cripplingly expensive. “Any mayor could have continued the…

TORONTO – In the lead up to the October 22 municipal election, it looks like incumbent Mayor John Tory will have a new opponent to face: this Brad J. Lamb Condo Development Notice Sign. The Brad J. Lamb Condo Development Sign, which was…

TORONTO – Over one hundred uniformed members of the Toronto Police Services who have not been vaccinated have been placed on unpaid leave after being informed they did not meet the brutality requirement to access paid leave. “I want to…

TORONTO – After many months of growing his hair out, Toronto mayor John Tory has finally gotten his hair trimmed after painstaking measures to ensure that the newly shorn locks will not be used by unhoused citizens to keep warm. “It’s taken…