kids

TORONTO – Premier Doug Ford clarified today that Ontario’s young students remain too young to learn the proper names for genitalia but are definitely mature enough to be used as political pawns part of the government’s war on Unions. “Kids…

By: Lester Bueller As the media throws up yet another hissy fit over Doug Ford and Stephen Lecce using the Notwithstanding Clause yet again I just have to say: I don’t care. Ford and Lecce can trample every single Charter right under the…

EDMONTON – Local data analyst Rolly Crowne, who is well known for his exhaustive knowledge about the various age of consent laws in different states, provinces, and countries, recently noted to his co-workers that “Drag Queen story time is…

EDMONTON – Eight-year-old Mason Wright and seven-year-old Olivia Glass have been busy playing house all afternoon by pretending to have their hearts set on a property, only for Mason’s imaginary friend Gerald to swoop in and take it from…

Brantford, ON – This morning adorable toddler Liam O’Reilly, 3, declared that Daylight Saving Time was a fucking joke and he would arise at his normal hour, even if that was technically now in the middle of the night. “Daylight Saving Time…

OTTAWA – Pfizer and BioNTech have released preliminary data to Health Canada stating that a vaccine for children ages 5 to 11 years could be available sooner than originally thought. Side effects of this, of course, would mean you might…

With about 10% of the population saying they will not get vaccinated against the deadly COVID-19 virus, we here at The Beaverton have decided to follow every other media outlet in Canada and do our own sympathetic portrayal of an…

BURNABY, BC – Local woman, Nadine Tarzi, speaks out about definitely not wanting children and subsequently struggling with the possibility of never actually having any children. “The idea of bringing a child into this unequal, climate…

MONCTON, NB – Speaking to an assembled crowd outside of his 2nd grade classroom, 8-year-old Jacob Moir has announced that he intends to eat any substance his classmates can name and provide, in exchange for no less than one dollar. “I will…