law crime

Start SlideshowThe Arizona Supreme Court ruled that a Civil War–era near-total abortion ban is law. The Onion provides in-depth analysis of everything we know about Arizona’s 1864 abortion law.AdvertisementPrevious SlideNext SlideArizona…

The Arizona Supreme Court ruled that a 160-year-old law banning all abortions from the time of conception with no allowances for cases of rape or incest can be enforced, usurping the state’s previous 15-week abortion ban from 2022. What do…

WASHINGTON—In a historic ruling, the U.S. Supreme Court declared Tuesday that Americans have the right to roofies. “A sexual predator’s right to Rohypnol is an issue of personal liberty that must not be infringed upon,” said Justice Brett…

EUREKA SPRINGS, AR—Watching the soy boy miss out on countless opportunities, sources confirmed Tuesday that a local beta male on a date didn’t even try to murder the woman. “Is this limp-dicked cuck gonna strangle that chick or what?” said…

SHELTON, CT—Saying it had severed all ties with the sandwich in the wake of disturbing new evidence from a federal investigation, the fast food franchise Subway confirmed Monday that its Chicken and Bacon Ranch Melt was also sexually…

WASHINGTON—Straining to make out the plaintiff’s response to their queries as the pounding house beat sent plaster falling from the chamber’s ceiling, the justices of the U.S. Supreme Court reported Friday that they could barely hear oral…

Start SlideshowFormer President Trump currently faces 91 felony counts in courts from Georgia and Florida to New York and Washington, D.C. Test your knowledge of the current Republican presidential candidate’s ongoing criminal and civil…

Sex offender Nicholas Hawkes became England’s first convicted cyberflasher and was sentenced to 66 months in prison after sending unsolicited photos of his genitals to women who took screenshots and reported him to the police. What do you…

Former Boeing employee John Barnett was found dead in his car from an apparent “self-inflicted gunshot wound” on the day he was set to be cross-examined about allegations he’d made regarding the company’s grave safety breaches on the…

MENLO PARK, CA—As he argued that he of all people should know the difference between the real and virtual worlds, a blood-covered Mark Zuckerberg was reportedly informed Friday that the murder he had just committed was not in the metaverse.…