Life

U.S. — American toy and playset manufacturer Little Tikes announced an exciting new playset modeled after the ancient Ark of the Covenant that actually kills you if you touch it.Little Tikes, known for its for its iconic Cozy Coupe,…

ST. PAUL, MN — Local 33-year-old Peter Winstead was stupendously flabbergasted earlier today to find that over 90% of his advanced vocabulary had been acquired from reading Calvin and Hobbes.According to Winstead, the vast majority of…

WARWICK, RI — A housewarming party for the Banning family reportedly started with a powerful land acknowledgment statement honoring the Johnson family who had previously lived in the home since 2019."We, the Bannings, hereby acknowledge…

DULUTH, MN — Local midwestern man Dave Netters was arrested for squeezing past someone at a grocery store without saying the obligatory "Ope!"Onlookers gasped in shock and disgust as Netters attempted to slide past an old woman on the…

NEWPORT BEACH, CA — Local man Harold Dermott initially struggled to access his Gmail on Friday, but after correctly guessing his password on his third try, now considers himself a bona fide hacker.Accomplishing the near-impossible task of…

FORT WORTH, TX — Local wife and mother Sienna Danner already has a collection of 70 Stanley tumblers, but expressed confidence that just one more might be exactly what she needed to fill the God-shaped hole in her heart.Stanley tumblers,…

A radical who reportedly called for “war against pro-lifers” in his manifesto is suspected of bombing a California fertility facility on Saturday with the hopes of destroying embryos. The suspected act of terrorism not only adds…

U.S. — What luck! Your doctor appointment just got a lot better after he left you a cool skeleton to play with while you're waiting for him.Just look at this thing — it's got all 206 adult human bones. And the jaw disconnects, too! It's so…

KINGSPORT, TN — According to sources, a local man was seen at the store carrying a grocery basket like a dainty village girl skipping through the orchard picking apples."I just needed to get a few items!" the man said to reporters,…

SALINA, KS — Local man Jared Halderman reportedly went through a period of confused bewilderment after realizing he was unsure whether the band Mumford & Sons actually existed or if he had just imagined it."I could've sworn I've…