Life

It’s clear by now that the U.S. Secret Service is not a very elite security detail. Random, weaponless rallygoers paid more serious attention to the would-be assassin before he fired than the allegedly professional team assigned to Donald…

RICHMOND, VA — Local woman Shayleigh Jennings is reportedly growing worried that her eyebrows might not be stupid enough after a long look in the mirror this week. Shayleigh's concerns were also prompted by her nine hours on social media…

SALT LAKE CITY, UT — Local mom Rachel Meyers complained to her husband this week about all the things she has to do that she voluntarily scheduled for herself. "Honey, why am I so stressed??? Also, we have that soccer fundraiser tonight I…

PLANO, TX — Local man Rob Gleck insisted he was only listening to the automotive call-in show ‘Car Talk' after his wife caught him sitting in the car with NPR playing over the weekend."I swear, honey!" Gleck told his wife Mindy. "I wasn't…

DAYTON, OH — A lousy, embarrassing excuse for a July 4th backyard fireworks display ended this evening without a single family member hiding for safety behind the shed."I'm not sure what went wrong," said Bruce Hayes, father and chief…

THE SHIRE — Sources close to Peregrin "Pippin" Took report that the hobbit still suffers from PTSD flashbacks any time he witnesses someone in his general vicinity eating a cherry tomato.Reportedly, Pippin's phobia stems from a traumatic…

LITTLE ROCK, AR — In a life lesson that would be beneficial to creatures of all species, a local dog on his deathbed expressed wistfully that he wished he had spent more time barking at nothing.The Harris family said their tearful goodbyes…

SWEETWATER, AL — Alabama man Benjamin Braun once again declared his deep love for fishing this morning as he set out on the lake with a giant cooler filled with beer."Gosh, I sure do love fishing," Braun reportedly said to his friend John…

RALEIGH, NC — Local man Sam Williamson's listless, apathetic jog instantly transformed into a full-on sprint whenever a car drove by this morning.According to sources, Williamson had set off at a decent pace, but within thirty seconds…

SALINA, KS — The root of one resident's deep-seated psychosis was finally discovered, as a local man was able to trace 90% of the mental health issues in his life to watching the boat tunnel scene in Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory…