Life

MINNEAPOLIS, MN — Major airline carriers throughout the United States announced this week they will be offering passengers upgrades to have a gray-haired old man named Steve pilot their flight."This has nothing to do with race or DEI,"…

BILOXI, MS — "Waah, Whaah," cried a wittle bitty man baby inside The Republic Steakhouse this afternoon after requesting steak sauce for his tiny wittle baby mouth."Aw, does wittle baby need someone to chew his steak for him too?" replied…

U.S. — Homeowners everywhere are spreading the word about a revolutionary new life hack that allows them to save money on home improvements by not doing them.After performing a detailed investigation and interviewing thousands of homeowners…

ANN ARBOR, MI — A surprising new study reveals over three million millennial-age women die every day from dehydration linked to not owning a Stanley water bottle tumbler."This number is tragic but not surprising," Lead Researcher Joel…

If you're boarding a plane featuring one of these newfangled all-female flight crews, you may notice these ladies have made a few changes! Here are some new things to expect in your estrogen-charged air travel experience:If there's a…

PORTLAND, OR — Local hussy Amy Vindman is taking the evangelical world to task for its oppressive and harmful participation in what is commonly known as "purity culture." "Purity culture did so much damage to the church and our country,"…

ORLANDO, FL — After falling into the depths of certain toasted doom, Pop Tart returned in power and glory to the land of the living as the newly minted "Pop Tart the White".All appeared lost as Pop Tart descended into darkness, certain to…

CALABASAS, CA — A local wife began training to join her regional women's hockey team when she discovered the grand prize for winners of the National Hockey League is a Stanley Cup."OMG, like, I didn't know what this hockey thing was and…

SANTA MONICA, CA — A local man was tragically rendered unable to brush his teeth after he mistakenly neglected to pay the monthly subscription fee on his smart electric toothbrush."Toothbrush functionality disabled," the toothbrush had…

DENTWOOD, IA — Sources at the Mannfred household confirmed Monday that 35-year-old Kurt Mannfred's stack of Christmas gifts was "virtually indistinguishable" from the sort of presents that would have been given to a 9-year-old boy."Star…