Life

U.S. — A beautiful visual delight was witnessed today as the sun set over the horizon, dazzling onlookers. What began as a simple setting of the sun to mark the end of another day soon set the sky ablaze with a wondrous array of colors and…

SOLVANG, CA — A local uncultured peasant was unable to make it to work Monday because his Uber driver arrived in a brand-new Tesla Model 3 and he couldn't figure out how to open the door."What is this? The handle's in the door? What?" said…

DALLAS, TX — In a surprise legal move, a Texas court has ruled any marriage totally and completely invalid if the country classic "Cotton Eye Joe" is not played at least once during the wedding reception."A marriage must be sealed by the…

CHICAGO, IL — Elon Musk has decided to put the near-invincible armor of the Cybertruck to the ultimate test by attempting a drive directly through downtown Chicago.With the Cybertruck having withstood flamethrowers, arrows, and gunfire in a…

WORLD — The Polar Express has officially won the title of "Best Christmas Movie" amongst deranged, psychotic serial killers.While normal humans find the film to be an unending string of nightmarish horror, The Polar Express has garnered…

SAN FRANCISCO, CA — With Christmas just around the corner, Mayor London Breed of San Francisco encouraged residents to get their shoplifting done early this year."Hard to believe the looting season is already upon us!" said Mayor Breed. "We…

ATLANTA, GA — In an announcement sure to cause celebration across the nation, food chain Chick-fil-A has unveiled plans to add a tire rotation, oil change, car wash, and tax preparation services to their astoundingly efficient drive-thru…

SHREVEPORT, LA — According to a recent survey, women have confirmed what many have thus far suspected to be true: The number one quality they look for in a mate is, "Does he own a 1980 Ford Bronco?"The number two quality was, "A 1978 Chevy…

OMAHA, NE — Local neighbor Joe Sheaps has made a formal announcement revealing his plans to run his leafblower non-stop until the end of time.Sheaps says his six-cylinder, turbo-prop, high-capacity, zero-muffler leafblower will remain on…

MINNEAPOLIS, MN — Upon hearing footsteps approach his restroom stall, a local man identified as Devon Baldman expertly cleared his throat, thereby giving the universal signal that the stall was occupied. As a result, a near disaster was…