Life

TEXAS — A new report out of Texas A&M University revealed that Texans have thus far saved humanity three trillion seconds by brilliantly shortening the term "you all" to "y'all."According to researchers, no other linguistic development…

RANCHO CUCAMONGA, CA — Local middle-aged man Dustin Sidewood was seen gazing out a window thoughtfully, longing for a time when video games were 2D and it was impossible to beat the first level, sources said."I used to appreciate games…

MILWAUKEE, WI — A time-honored family tradition was carried on this week, as a bottle of Worcestershire sauce was proudly passed down to a 7th generation.William Baxendale VI was proud to carry on the cherished heritage last week by…

ANAHEIM, CA — A local wife has revealed she is buying a second cell phone after reaching her previous phone's maximum number of open browser tabs.The move became necessary after housewife Andrea Kirby discovered she had finally reached her…

U.S. — Local man Trevor Woden accidentally came out of the closet earlier this week by responding to a text from one of his friends within 24 hours.According to Larry Newtson, Woden inadvertently displayed one of the telltale signs of…

JACKSONVILLE, FL — In a tragic turn of events earlier today, some dumb dying guy in an ambulance made you miss your green light.According to witnesses at the scene, you were completely ready to take a left turn on a sweet, sweet green…

U.S. — The creepy, middle-aged weirdos of America were dealt a harsh blow today as the Hooters franchise announced it has declared bankruptcy.Long a stalwart of forty-something losers, Hooters' imminent closure has left thousands of gross…

EDINA, MN — In one of the most beautiful natural phenomena known to mankind, some objects left on the stairs began their weeks-long migration to the bedroom this week.According to experts on hat migration, the items began the drawn-out…

PALO ALTO, CA — According to sources, a local impoverished man only has two computer monitors on his desk in his home office.Harold Gates, a middle-aged entrepreneur with a wife and two children, is living the American dream, that is,…

LEXINGTON, KY — Local woman Julie Linton took several pictures of her dinner to post on social media for the benefit of all of her friends who have never seen a plate of spaghetti before."Wow, that's crazy. I've never seen noodles with…