Life

U.S. — Local man Trevor Woden accidentally came out of the closet earlier this week by responding to a text from one of his friends within 24 hours.According to Larry Newtson, Woden inadvertently displayed one of the telltale signs of…

JACKSONVILLE, FL — In a tragic turn of events earlier today, some dumb dying guy in an ambulance made you miss your green light.According to witnesses at the scene, you were completely ready to take a left turn on a sweet, sweet green…

U.S. — The creepy, middle-aged weirdos of America were dealt a harsh blow today as the Hooters franchise announced it has declared bankruptcy.Long a stalwart of forty-something losers, Hooters' imminent closure has left thousands of gross…

EDINA, MN — In one of the most beautiful natural phenomena known to mankind, some objects left on the stairs began their weeks-long migration to the bedroom this week.According to experts on hat migration, the items began the drawn-out…

PALO ALTO, CA — According to sources, a local impoverished man only has two computer monitors on his desk in his home office.Harold Gates, a middle-aged entrepreneur with a wife and two children, is living the American dream, that is,…

LEXINGTON, KY — Local woman Julie Linton took several pictures of her dinner to post on social media for the benefit of all of her friends who have never seen a plate of spaghetti before."Wow, that's crazy. I've never seen noodles with…

MURFREESBORO, TN — According to sources, local husband Scott Limber rescued his wife from depression by helpfully explaining why she should be in a good mood."Don't worry, sweetie, you have no reason to be sad," Limber reportedly said.…

ROME, GA — In a brutal takedown, a local, well-known "Karen" was accused today of being a "real Margaret."The "Karen" in question, instead of merely acting in her usual manner as an entitled irritant, stepped up to gross condescension and…

U.S. — Before settling in to spend a couple more hours writing another angry social media screed, users across the country were encouraged to consider a recent report that nobody would care about their 17-paragraph political rant on…

Republican Rep. Chip Roy of Texas, with the support of 25 Republican cosponsors, reintroduced legislation on Tuesday that seeks to prevent the political prosecution of peaceful pro-lifers by repealing the Freedom of Access to Clinic…