Life

TOLEDO, OH — Local man Jacob Nicholson repeatedly declared his love for pumpkin pie today while covering a 12-inch pie with an entire gallon of Reddi-Whip.According to friends and family of the 66-year-old pumpkin pie connoisseur, Jacob has…

The Presidential Medal of Freedom was once considered the nation’s highest civilian honor, but this is no longer the case. President Joe Biden rendered the award evil this week in a private ceremony to honor Cecile Richards, who served from…

SALT LAKE CITY, UT — Costco announced this week that it would be rolling out new "Mormon Family Size" items for even larger families of a particular religious persuasion.The move came in response to demand in the area of enormous families…

The scourge of wokeness came for every part of our lives, and stole so many things we held dear to our hearts. Here are eight of the things that we will never forgive wokeness for taking from us:Airplanes that land with their wheels and…

ORLANDO, FL — In an attempt to win back customers, struggling restaurant chain Red Lobster has rolled out a new promotion called their "Reasonable Amount Of Shrimp" deal. A spokesman for the company said that due to rising prices, their…

There's a cool life hack that the government doesn't want you to know about called "forming a fellowship with your bros and going hiking through the mountains for days." They have hidden this information from us for years, but it's really…

BROKEN BOW, NE — Local wife and mother Dana Fallcrest is baffled by the behavior of her home's heater, which she says keeps shutting off as soon as it hits 140°F."It's freezing in here!" Fallcrest complains daily. "I can't believe this…

LOS ANGELES, CA — A late-breaking report confirmed that the police helicopter hovering above your neighborhood either said to go outside and help look for a missing old guy or to lock your doors and stay inside because there's a serial…

U.S. — A groundbreaking new study has confirmed what countless scientists had suspected for decades, revealing an astounding 100% of male hikers pretend they are on a quest during the Third Age of Middle-earth.A Portuguese research team…

ST. PAUL, MN — A local wife revealed her pre-bedtime ritual consists of showering, applying lotion, and sticking her feet in the freezer."Got to get these babies nice and cold before I get into bed with hubby," Heather Chase explained as…