Life

KANSAS CITY, KS — Local man Brian Flavius is undergoing a terrifying gender identity crisis after he suddenly realized he hadn't thought about the Roman Empire in over one week, according to sources."Oh no... what does this mean? Am I…

SACRAMENTO, CA — Honest, hard-working small business owners across the country have shuttered their adult bookstores, citing the inability to compete with the vast network of school libraries offering an array of X-rated adult material to…

SIOUX FALLS, SD — Local man John Bellville announced to his wife he was going to lay down and read a book, guaranteeing he would soon be unconscious.Despite maintaining a perfect record of falling asleep within mere seconds of opening a…

FAIRFAX, VA — Local liberal Jonald Duncan reportedly learned the hard way that actual virtue is way harder than virtue signaling. At least 3.4 times harder, experts say."I've been sitting on my computer, as I do, talking about diversity and…

WARREN, OH — Hey guys, check out Caleb. He brought his own pool stick to play pool. What a bad hombre, bringing his own stick to hit the pool balls with, amirite? And in its own little tote bag, how cute!Hey Caleb, did you get your name…

MADISON, WI — During an online conversation pontificating over the pros and cons of a subject no one will remember in just a few short days, user BERNIER00LZ replied to your suggestion that "You're opinions are wrong," with the curt…

KHAZAD-DÛM — A local man suffered from an embarrassing "boomer" moment today, as Gandalf the Gray experienced great difficulty remembering the password to unlock the Doors of Durin at the West-gate Moria."Oh dear me," Gandalf was heard…

PASCAGOULA, MS — As record heat swept across the southern United States in recent weeks, suburban housewives were quick to seize upon brief periods when the temperature briefly dipped just below 100 degrees to break out their voluminous…

BENTONVILLE, AR — After surveying the ten square feet of grass in his new home's yard, local man Dan Jenkins decided it was definitely time to purchase a riding lawnmower."Yup, time to pull the trigger," said Mr. Jenkins, walking around his…

U.S. — People with unattractive faces celebrated this week as locales and businesses across the nation began reinstituting mask mandates."Finally!" said local schlub Stan Reasons. "It will be so nice to finally cover my unsightly mug."The…