Life

EVANSVILLE, IN — Local man Heath Bentley declared to his friend Gill today that no person needs an AR-15, displaying his obvious ignorance of Texas cockroaches."Five minutes down there, that boy would be begging for a bazooka," said Corpus…

U.S. — In an attempt to avoid further injury and traumatic incidents involving Caucasians eating food that's far too spicy for them, the scientists behind the Scoville Scale have announced they are releasing a separate spiciness scale for…

U.S. — A recent study has found that the level of sinful lust generated by Victoria's Secret mailers has plummeted a staggering 800% in recent years. Experts are now attributing this significant decline to one simple, yet profound reason:…

PORTLAND, OR — According to sources, local gay couple Garth Millens and Chaz Nimby are celebrating the birth of their new son who was incubated in the fruitful womb of a poor woman they rented to bear them a child. To mark the momentous…

For many Americans, the Fourth of July, celebrating the American Declaration of Independence, has fallen into disrepute. The holiday has lost its meaning because Americans have forgotten their duties and rights as citizens and have become…

BOISE, ID — A new report confirmed by multiple sources indicates the guy driving in front of you has the absolute nerve to drive the legal speed limit on the one-lane freeway you're driving on. What a jerk!"You're supposed to go 5-10 miles…

JEFFERSON CITY, MO — A celebration broke out in Missouri's capital today after word came in that the state had successfully placed every single freeway, road, and bridge under construction all at the same time."It's an amazing feat," said…

LOS ANGELES, CA — A local man realized he's been singing the 1999 hit song "All Star" by Smash Mouth in his head since the song's release 24 years ago."SomeBODY once told me," Lance Branson sang in his head as he drove to work Thursday…

ALEXANDRIA, VA — With the burger chain Five Guys growing to include more than 1,700 locations, a sixth guy is currently kicking himself for choosing to leave the business in its early stages."I can't believe I didn't stick around," said…

ANAHEIM, CA — The owner of a local Chinese restaurant announced his retirement today, expressing his desire to step away from the daily grind and take the opportunity to spend far less time with his family.Li Jun Chao, the founder of Yum…