Life

ATLANTA, GA — This week, the parent company of the popular toy "Elf on a Shelf" announced a new extension to their product line – "Antifa On A Shelf," an Antifa-themed doll that burns down a different part of the house every night while the…

ANNAPOLIS, MD — A local man is celebrating after his bathroom scale confirmed he had met his ambitious fitness goal of gaining only 9 pounds over the Thanksgiving weekend. "Yessss!" exclaimed the man as he adjusted the scale with one hand…

Do pro-life laws, whether state or federal, actually save lives? According to a new study from the pro-abortion WeCount coalition, the answer is “yes,” with the number of abortions nationwide falling by 10,000 in the first two months after…

INDEPENDENCE, MO — A local man found cause for great concern this week when he discovered Amazon was moving forward with plans to build a distribution hub located in his front yard."I'm already dealing with truckloads of boxes arriving on…

U.S. – In a groundbreaking affirmative action program aimed at diversifying its workforce, Starbucks has hired its first and only straight white cis-male barista."At Starbucks, we believe all people deserve the dignity of a good job,…

SAN FRANCISCO, CA — Local stay-at-home tech worker Flamden Dwadles is taking a much-needed 3-hour break from hard labor this afternoon as a welcome reward for answering one email."Ah, Flamden, you've really outdone yourself, ol' boy," said…

LANSING, MI — Mr. Charles Reginald celebrated his 40th birthday in style today, cracking open a finely aged, single malt bottle of Advil."Ah, sweet relief - and with pleasant notes of oak and orange peel," said Mr. Reginald as he tore open…

SEATTLE, WA — After another disastrous trip to the salon, local introvert Sam Johnson has resigned himself to a lifetime of awful haircuts."No, no, bowl cuts are great," said Mr. Johnson to his hairdresser as he surveyed the damage.…

U.S. — Hey gang, get a load of this absolute dweeb of a human who didn't bring money for the Book Fair!What a loser! Total square.Did the massive goober forget that today was Book Fair Day, even after his parents received sufficient text…

ALEXANDRIA, VA — According to sources, a local self-ordering kiosk at an overpriced cafe that sells self-serve coffee just asked if you would like to add a tip to a $12 coffee order."WOULD YOU LIKE TO LEAVE A TIP? 15%? 20%? 25%? A CUSTOM…