Lifestyle

GIMLI, MB – After suffering from intense fatigue all morning, local man Gerald Hines has elected to stop trying to control the future and lie down on his couch in the middle of the day. “There are so many things that could happen when I lie…

KITCHENER-WATERLOO – Herb White, a self-avowed introvert, expressed deep regret about the wish he made last year upon finding a monkey’s paw by the side of the road. “Since last year, a global pandemic swept the world and I kind of…

SAN DIEGO, CA—Wow! These incredible parents are telling the whole world about their new baby, but without using harmful gendered language! According to sources, they are inviting all of their friends and family over…

CHATHAM – Lewis White was forced to move after his house filled up with too many boxes that he deemed worth saving. White had been collecting boxes for years but once the pandemic hit and his online orders increased, his box…

MEDICINE HAT, AB – A vague Google Calendar invite has left Emily Kidd worried that her family has either suffered a horrible tragedy or, even worse, wants to spend the whole evening playing Scrabble. “I know Uncle James loves to speed on…

PUNXSUTAWNEY, PA—As is tradition, members of the Punxsutawney Groundhog Club gathered at Gobbler’s Knob this morning to see whether or not the groundhog would see his shadow, and officials in the small Pennsylvania town were shocked by…

KAMLOOPS, BC – After Ian McKean purchased a 600 ml bottle of cocoa butter lotion, he has been unable to find a location in his apartment to put it that doesn’t suggest that’s where he furiously masturbates. “Let’s be honest, the bedside…

MONTREAL – The nation’s top sleep researchers made a joint statement earlier today announcing that they too have no goddamn idea what to do with their arms when trying to sleep. Dr. Fran McMatton of McGill University told the press that…

Babylon Mom: Learn To Love Yourself, Even When Your Compulsive Shopping Threatens Your Family's Finances Hey girls, sorry it’s been so long since I’ve written… life has been sooo crazy lately! Girls, I’m going be really open and honest…

Man Has A Few Days Left To Be A Disgusting Slob Before Completely Turning Life Around On January 1st KANSAS CITY, MO—According to sources, local man Jason Greenman is enjoying his last few days of living like an utterly debased and filthy…