Lifestyle

OAKLAND, CA—According to sources, one local citizen has discovered a way around the mask mandate: walking around slowly eating a bag of Cheetos the entire day. "Hey, I can't wear a mask when I'm eating, right?" said…

DEEPHAVEN, MN—Local couple Mark and Linda Bellinger got into a fight over the weekend, which was likely caused by Mark’s habit of always using perfect communication. It began like any other Saturday night date. Mark sat on the…

KITCHEN SINK—The LGBTQ community has praised Bob the Tomato as being "stunning and brave" after it was revealed that he is actually a fruit who identifies as a vegetable. "VeggieTales was ahead of its time," said non-binary person Pech…

EUGENE, OR—Local extreme vegan Tarnnus Hemlock has taken his disdain for meat to new levels with his recent decision to undergo a complete meat-reduction surgery, having over 99% of his meat removed from his body. "I told them I wanted…

Amazing: This Mind-Reader Can Instantly Guess People's Pronouns With 99.9% Accuracy What’s the first thing you do when meeting someone new? Exchange pronouns, of course, to make sure you refer to each other accurately. But what if you…

Parents Allow 6-Year-Old Son To Begin Transitioning Into A Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle Per His Wishes PORTLAND, OR—It began like any other day for the Leroux family. Greg and Cindy were getting ready for work---he a CSR for a paperclip…

BRONSONVILLE, IL—Aspiring entrepreneur Christopher Jenkins recently graduated from Harvard at the top of his class. He is fit, friendly, inviting, and has a good grasp of the English language. He has good hygiene and a knack for…

FAIRHOPE, AL—A controversy has erupted as a transgender man took first place in a male-only cooking contest. The biological woman, Pat Miller, who now identifies as male, shattered all previous records, making delicious sandwiches and…

Iphone Update: 'I Don't Agree With You' Now Autocorrects To 'I Hate All Gay People' CUPERTINO, CA—You may not have noticed very many obvious changes with the latest iPhone update, but you will next time you attempt to tell someone that you…

MIAMI, FL—Florida man Clint Cooper has obeyed all state and federal laws and generally stayed out of trouble. He has not fired any guns in his backyard and hit random strangers with .22 caliber bullets. He hasn't attacked a McDonald's…