livestock

FREDONIA, AZ—In an effort to provide easier ungulate access throughout the grounds of the popular natural attraction, Grand Canyon National Park announced Friday the installation of new mule vending machines. “These five-story-tall vending…

SALISBURY, MD—Emphasizing that it was an integral part of the company’s mission to raise humanely sourced meat, poultry processing giant Perdue Farms announced a new initiative Tuesday to even the playing field by giving guns to chickens.…

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the adorable abominations would not last long, Petco announced Thursday that all human-pig hybrids were on clearance at its retail locations across the country. “Starting today, customers can come in to any Petco store…

GREENSBORO, NC—Receiving the go-ahead from his typically strict owner, local terrier-beagle mix Montgomery Pickles, 7, was reportedly allowed to eat whatever he wanted from the sidewalk Tuesday since it was his birthday. “Go for it—I’m not…

NORFOLK, VA—In a new campaign featuring several graphic images of the animals falling from 30,000 feet in the sky, People For Ethical Treatment OfAnimals released an ad Thursday that seemed to imply that throwing horses out of planes was a…

WASHINGTON—Calling the venture the first step in a sweeping plan to transform the nation’s infrastructure, the U.S. Department of Transportation announced Wednesday a $1 billion investment in horses. “Horses can walk on all types of…

The Labor Department found that a major U.S. sanitation company illegally employed at least 102 children as young as 13 at over a dozen slaughterhouses in jobs that had them using caustic chemicals to clean razor-sharp saws. What do you…

The CDC recently issued an advisory after an increase in reported salmonella cases across the country, warning backyard farmers against getting too close to poultry in ways that could easily spread germs, like kissing or snuggling. What do…

BALTIMORE—Cursing herself out for ever having been so gullible, local mare Persephone couldn’t believe the stallion she slept with Friday had lied to her about being a 5-2 betting odds favorite in the Preakness Stakes. “That son of a bitch…