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TUCSON, AZ—Expressing concerns after she observed several of the telltale warning signs, fourth-grade teacher Patricia Cormac told reporters Wednesday that she could tell a student in her class with spiky hair and sunglasses came from a rad…

AUGUSTA, GA—Racked with guilt at the thought of making the wrong decision, local couple Anthony Wells and Katherine MacNaughton were reportedly debating on Tuesday the ethical implications of bringing another child into this bar. “There are…

ORLANDO, FL—Claiming epiphanies just seem to come to him when he sits by an orca tank, local man Troy Morales told reporters Friday that he always gets his best ideas in the splash zone. “Something about a 10-foot wall of water crashing…

SPOKANE, WA—Lamenting that all his effort had been in vain, area man Evan Stackelberg told reporters Thursday that his 14 years of avoiding spoilers for Mr. Popper’s Penguins had been undone in a single moment of carelessness. “I stayed off…

HONOLULU—Refusing to pull any punches in his appraisal of the shoddy workmanship, vacationing dad David Stayton reportedly had some choice words about his hotel bathroom’s caulking, family sources confirmed Tuesday. “Jeez Louise, looks like…

LOWELL, MA—Doing her best to follow her therapist’s advice for dealing with stressful situations, area woman Holly Debling reportedly reminded herself Tuesday not to catastrophize after she spotted four skeletal horsemen on the horizon.…

SACRAMENTO, CA—Believing that he was establishing a firm line between who he was as a person and what he did for a living, local man Jordan Wheeler, an employee of Creighton Industries who will ultimately spend 90,000 hours of his lifetime…

MARYVILLE, TN—Relying on a precise measurement as though a slight miscalculation could be lethal, local woman Anna Gardner, who is said to be on a diet, reportedly weighed out peanut butter Thursday like it was hard drugs. Several reports…

Thrift Store Categorizes Inflatable Birthing Tub As Decor - The Onion News In Photos Share Published: April 23, 2025 More News in Photos Explore…

CHICAGO—Acknowledging the profound and deeply bittersweet paradox, local man Gary Lanetti reported Tuesday that “grief is the price we pay for love” as he clutched an empty package of salami close to his chest. “Opening yourself up to true…