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Nephew In Trouble For Strangling Again

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WILMINGTON, DE—Adding to his streak of disagreeable behavior, 12-year-old nephew Cooper Goodpaster was reportedly in trouble for strangling again. “Oh gosh, that’s not good, is it?” said 38-year-old Zachary Goodpaster, the delinquent…

Report: Wife Hasn’t Been Home In Few Days

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MEDINA, OH—Speculating that the situation could be worth looking into at some point down the line, a report released Friday found that local wife Casey Davis, 37, hadn’t been home in a few days. “Huh, that’s weird,” said Nick Davis,…

Tips For Managing Seasonal Allergies

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According to the CDC, more than one quarter of U.S. adults suffer from seasonal allergies. The Onion shares tips for managing allergic rhinitis symptoms. Try a nasal-removal spray. Politely ask the flowers in your neighborhood to stop…

Dainty Little Man Orders Single Cheeseburger

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EL RENO, OK—Explaining to the server at local restaurant Sid’s Diner that he only wanted one patty—not two—dainty little man Carlos Villarreal reportedly ordered a single cheeseburger Thursday. “Oh dear, is this delicate fellow worried…

Prostitute Falls Asleep During ‘Star Wars’

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LOUISVILLE, KY—Expressing a mix of frustration and stunned disbelief at the woman’s lack of enthusiasm, local man Ron Broder told reporters Wednesday that the escort whose services he had solicited for the evening fell asleep during Star…

Tourist Asks Passerby To Take Boudoir Photo Of Him

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BERLIN—Hoping to secure at least one nice picture as a memento of his trip abroad, an American tourist visiting Germany reportedly asked a passerby Monday to take a boudoir photo of him. “Excuse me, would you mind getting a shot of me with…

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