Local

SEATTLE—Kicking himself for not purchasing a gift sooner, local man George Yorkin reportedly groaned Tuesday upon learning that the only thing left on the Jeff Bezos–Lauren Sánchez wedding registry was a new rocket booster. “Oh, shit, it’s…

SAN DIEGO—As they shooed a herd of giraffes into a nearby bathroom, workers told reporters Friday that they were frantically scrambling to hide all of the San Diego Zoo’s animals ahead of a visit from the landlord. “He texted an hour…

SOUTH PLAINFIELD, NJ—Having been informed that he canceled a major stop on his big world tour just to be with them on a Thursday afternoon, residents at Golden Horizons Senior Care Center were told the man playing accordion for them in the…

NEOSHO, MO—Confused by the sudden directive to “neutralize any threats” to the leader of the popular kitchen appliance brand, corporate security officer Tim Mulrooney was reportedly unsure Wednesday why he had been assigned to…

READING, PA—With a look of hardened resolve crossing the man’s face as he discovered the large recliner was unoccupied, witnesses confirmed Wednesday that local elderly resident Robert Delacio had set his sights on a big chair. According to…

Adjusting to life with a newborn is a formidable task. The Onion presents tips for supporting the new parents in your social circle. Drop off a meal from their favorite restaurant to remind them of their former life that’s now lost…

LOCATION CLASSIFIED—Grumbling “Not this shit again” as a shadowy figure zipped around at the edges of his vision, elite commando Maj. Teddy “Sandman” Hawthorne confirmed Friday that he was sick of unseen assailants darting through the fog…

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Noting with frustration that the 4-year-old’s viewing habits had likely destroyed his YouTube account forever, local man James Ratliff told reporters Monday that…

CHICAGO—Cocking her head in confusion as she sought to determine if what she was attempting to do was even possible, area woman Sandra Brackett reportedly struggled to put down her bags Wednesday while still holding onto her coffee like a…

NEW YORK—According to a report released Friday by experts who know all about what has been happening in your mind for the past few seconds, the terrible thing that just popped into your head would make your loved ones turn on you…