Local

MILWAUKEE—Growing more despondent as each turn brought them no closer to a conclusion, an exhausted group of friends was reportedly coming to the realization Friday that they had been playing the board game Wingspan incorrectly…

MOUNT CLEMENS, MI—With guests congratulating him and his family as his mind drifted back from the very beginnings of ancient organic matter becoming trapped beneath the Earth’s surface, local dad Brendan Canfield reportedly spent his…

FOXFIELD, CO—As he näively filled the household appliance with little regard for the consequences of his actions, local man and humidifier owner Greg Shulman reportedly wondered Thursday “How different could purified and distilled water…

TACOMA, WA—Operating on pure natural instinct while leaping into action to protect his beloved owners, heroic dog Snickers saved a local family of five from the threat of an herb-roasted chicken, sources confirmed Wednesday. “It was a close…

OAK PARK, IL—Paying no mind to his forgetful nature and instead lending a fancy free, devil-may-care attitude toward his tendency to sign up for promotional offers, area man Ben Cameron was playing it fast and loose this week with his…

COLUMBUS, OH—Reeling as she took stock of the damage done in her debilitated state, area woman Brittany Marino told reporters Wednesday she had sworn off Ambien for good after she woke up and saw how many library books she had put on hold…

ALHAMBRA, CA—Marking the moment as an exciting new era for Elmhurst Management Solutions, employees confirmed Friday that the revival of the company’s internship program heralded the coming of age of CEO Richard Bonaldo’s daughter.…

CHICAGO—Charging across the street in order to find out “what this motherfucker’s problem is,” local drunk man Garrett Dotson confirmed Tuesday that he didn’t like the way the Kumon logo was looking at him. “Keep staring, bitch, and see…

SEATTLE—Voicing concern about the adult’s aberrant behavior, sources confirmed Monday that it was almost weirder that Richard Shea, a grown man on Roblox, wasn’t using the online gaming platform to groom children. “If he was on here trying…

CLEVELAND—Interrupting the man mere seconds after he removed a Japanese clouded salamander from its cage, local 6-year-old Matthew Cronin ruthlessly heckled a reptile handler at a birthday party for showing an amphibian, sources reported…