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LOS ANGELES—Faced with one final test before his admission to the criminal organization, gang initiate Hector Gunnerson was reportedly forced to peacefully deescalate a conflict Thursday to prove that he was not a cop. “I know Big Mike…

Alexa Beaten - The Onion News In Photos Share Published: March 26, 2025 More News in Photos Explore Tags Read More The Onion

TULSA, OK—Expressing concern about the most appropriate way to laud the life of a departed parishioner at her funeral, local priest Father Thomas O’Mannon was reportedly unsure Wednesday how obliquely to speak about the woman’s fatal hot…

GARLAND, TX—Rambling on about how she had always harbored “feelings, um, you know, like, the romantic kind” for him, area woman Kayla Sullivan was reportedly losing steam while professing her love to her crush Tuesday because she thought he…

Well Shit, Man Thought He Secured Infant Car Seat - The Onion News In Photos Share Published: March 24, 2025 More News in Photos Explore Tags…

Spray-Painted Penis Only Thing Holding Cybertruck Together - The Onion News In Photos Share Published: March 24, 2025 More News in Photos Explore…

RALEIGH, NC—Feeling somewhat deflated by the event after so much buildup, local woman Dianna Clark confirmed Monday that she found the process of planning suicide far more enjoyable than the suicide itself. “I mean, obviously, I believe the…

SHELBURNE, VT—Grinning wide with satisfaction at his successful act of cunning, local man Todd Sansovitch confirmed Friday that he had carefully snuck a bag of outside stimuli into his sensory deprivation tank. “That dopey teen working the…

EVERETT, WA—In an effort to emulate the pleasurable sensation of contact with another person, single man Henry Goldfarb reportedly sat on his own hand before dialing 911 Thursday to make it feel like someone else cared. “If you use your…

ST. CHARLES, MO—Covering her ears as her father screamed at her mother about the overuse of suggestive POV camera shots, local child Hadley Lohman sat frightened atop the stairs last night watching her parents argue about the ending of The…