Local

CLEVELAND—Insisting she preferred the peace of mind that came from knowing who her children were spending time with, local mom Sandra Peck told reporters Tuesday she would rather her kids host a freak-off in their own basement instead of at…

BURLINGTON, VT—Receiving encouragement from her ob-gyn as she struggled amid the throes of childbirth, area woman Jill Henderson was assured while giving birth Tuesday that everything was looking gross down there. “You’re doing great,…

CHATTANOOGA, TN—In the midst of an armed bank robbery that authorities said is still ongoing, an unidentified gunman allegedly took a huge swing during a tense standoff Monday when he ordered his hostages Buffalo chicken pizza. Law…

CHICAGO—In what the museum touted as a rare hands-on opportunity for the public to learn about the universe, the Adler Planetarium opened a new interactive exhibit Tuesday that offers guests the chance to touch a live protostar. “A lot…

Shell-Shocked Soldier Ant Has Thousand-Inch Stare - The Onion Published: June 12, 2025 Advertising Advertising Explore More Photos…

Dissolving Fillers Leave Face Completely Concave - The Onion Published: June 11, 2025 Advertising Advertising Explore More Photos…

NEW BEDFORD, MA—Wishing he had seen more of life before taking on such a big commitment, local sailor Marcus Haines told reporters Tuesday that he regretted getting married to the sea so young. “I was so captivated by those big blue…

​Hiking can be an enjoyable way to achieve your exercise goals while spending quality time in nature. Here are The Onion’s tips for first-time hikers. Before heading into the wilderness, practice walking around and getting bored in your…

MEADE, KS—Saying the difficult act was necessary so his family wouldn’t be starved for clangs, local farmer Troy Cox told reporters Friday that he had been forced to slaughter a cow for its bell. “I told Molly that I was sorry, girl, but we…

COLUMBUS, OH—Locked into a steely focus while readying himself for the task at hand, area IT support specialist Jeff Miller reportedly prepared to address a tech issue Thursday by slipping on his carpal tunnel braces with the calm of a…