local man

TORONTO – As local father Jalen Hart told the worker asking COVID checklist questions at the front entrance of the Little Tot’s Playhouse daycare that his child Marcus did not have a runny nose, onlookers reported seeing a single bead of…

By: Bryler Chadwick Why is it that every time I eat at Taco Bell, I’m surrounded by people who eat at Taco Bell?! Like, what kind of people eat this crap? I’m a normal, respectable guy who works at a gym. I just needed to use the washroom,…

Muskoka, ON – Seasonal resident, David Lyons who inherited a million dollar Muskoka cottage, has an opinion on Indigenous land sovereignty. “It doesn’t make sense,” began a 60 year old Lyons, whose family cottage has been passed down…

Bradford, ON – Local man Gerry Framer is outraged that the collective reckoning over whether Canada is a country that deserves to be celebrated in light of the atrocities we have committed means he can longer wish friends, family and…

Minden Hills, ON – Local man Jacob Hall claims to love reading, but actually just loves falling asleep with a book on his chest. “Whether it’s sci-fi, fantasy or non-fiction, I just love how opening a book can transport you anywhere,” said…

TORONTO – Local man, Andrew Tan, has spent a lot of time lately thinking how great it would be to be a rich person’s dog instead of a human male forced to make his life fulfilling. “I’ve been procrastinating so much at work, mostly thinking…

Thunder Bay, ON – Local man Matt Rabbior advised that his life long distrust of the “media-industrial complex” began when he was 14 and realized that the children’s claymation character Pingu wasn’t actually speaking French. “Whether it’s…

Markham, ON – Local man, Mark Hamilton, stores his milk carton on it’s side like a goddamn fucking animal. “It’s just more ergonomic this way,” stated a deranged Hamilton, who wedged the aforementioned milk carton next to the cheese drawer…

CALGARY – A local man who has somehow miraculously forgotten that he’s been locked inside for a year is scrambling to put together a gift for his one year COVID anniversary. “I just don’t know how I could forget,” says Dirk Connors, who…