Local

DAVENPORT, IA—Lauded for his courage and good cheer even in the face of adversity, local high school quarterback Brett Modine, who was paralyzed during a practice scrimmage earlier in the year, was praised as a hero this week for not…

TROY, NY—Showering his screen with balloons and confetti while asking him to confirm the information was accurate, LinkedIn reportedly congratulated local man Steve Romano on Tuesday for reaching five years at his dead-end job without…

STOCKTON, CA—Complaining that the woman acts like she owns the place despite her groom’s incredible generosity, local man Jason Foster reported Monday that his bride was being awfully picky about the wedding cake for someone who just got a…

PITTSBURGH—Putting on a brave face and carrying on with his regularly scheduled hoagie consumption habits Friday, local man Craig Landers was reportedly continuing amid the nationwide listeria outbreak to eat deli meat as if nothing had…

With the loneliness epidemic impacting millions of Americans, book clubs offer a simple and structured way for readers of all ages to socialize. The Onion shares tips for starting your own book club. Seek out fellow readers…

LITTLE ROCK, AR—Admitting that he had heard the phrase before but was unclear as to its exact meaning, local husband Brad Moff, 35, reportedly asked his wife Thursday if an ectopic pregnancy was a good thing. “Wait, so does that mean…

Therapist Takes Big Swing Calling Client’s Ex A Bitch - The Onion Advertising Trending News Recent News Join The Millions Of Others Who Entered In…

NORWOOD, OH—Kicking herself as the words “1 free article(s) remaining” hovered at the bottom of her screen, local woman Margaret Cross stated Wednesday that she had wasted a free monthly Cincinnati.com article on a story about a high school…

LAS VEGAS—Warning there were only two hours remaining until the Uber would be called, 25-year-old Sabrina Kelson, the prettiest girl at the bachelorette party, reportedly demanded Monday that everyone else look pretty. “I just think it’s…

WICHITA, KS—In a judgmental appraisal of her daughter’s parenting techniques only moments after she gave birth, an area grandmother hamster was reportedly overly critical Friday of the way her daughter ate her babies. “Oh,…