Local

TORONTO – Brandi Bepple was shocked to discover her daughter’s gerbil, Peanut, has already surpassed her 2023 fitness goals, despite her extensive preparation and detailed vision boarding. Bepple purchased the two-month-old Mongolian gerbil…

BARRIE, ON – A local couple who have lived in the same house for over two decades have been shocked to discover their home has heating. “It’s just not something that ever occurred to us,” says matriarch Holly Friesen, her breath visible in…

RED DEER – An extensive investigation by the United Nations has concluded that, among all of Canada’s cities, Red Deer, Alberta is the one that most resembles the country’s iconically mediocre chain restaurant. “Red Deer is… fine,” said a…

U.S. — Meteorologists across North America have been seen on live television struggling to report the weather now that all of the weather balloons have been shot down.Their prediction accuracy has plummeted from 12% to 7%."Looks like we may…

EAST PALESTINE, OH — Despite recent hardship, the quaint village of East Palestine has seen a surge in real estate sales as embittered Californians seek refuge in a state promising a better quality of life."California is a cesspool!" said…

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Local authorities have issued a Silver Alert after several on Capitol Hill reported seeing a lost old man yelling incoherently at people. The subject is described as an elderly man about 6 feet tall with silver-colored…

MONTREAL – A local Dollarama defied every expectation and opened a second cash register at the St. Laurent location in the plateau at approximately 3:44 PM on Friday. The register was opened to better accommodate the line of more than…

ST. PAUL, MN — Sources are reporting that local man Verp Winston, who was mocked by friends for raising chickens in his backyard, is having the last laugh as egg prices have skyrocketed across the country."You all thought I was such a dork…

VICTORIA — Proctor Properties Inc has recently appointed George William Sherston-Phipps Tollemache Montesquieu III of Roxborough as its Maintenance Viscount for the Regency Landing apartment building, and his illustrious tenure is beginning…

Windsor, ON – Jacob Framer, a man who should never in a million years be allowed to care for young children, has recently been heard encouraging various friends and family members to procreate. “Oh man you gotta have kids, it’s the best,”…