Local

SAN ANTONIO—Breezing past security in the guise of a musician and entering the ballroom where his target was attending a cocktail party, area hit man Don Meston reportedly opened a guitar case Friday in which he had concealed the guitar he…

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MANCHESTER, NH—Posing in his pajamas as his proud mother took a photo to capture the momentous occasion, local man Frederico Torres became the first person in his family to go to bed, sources confirmed Thursday. “When my family first came…

HARTFORD, CT—Telling her to close her eyes and turn inward as he gently guided her positioning, local yoga teacher Vincent Diaz reportedly placed his hand on the small of student Ellie Cruz’s back Thursday, but in the parking lot. “It’s…

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Delighting in the opportunity to make use of the tool he carried with him everywhere, local father Kevin Ballard reportedly insisted on using his pocketknife Wednesday to open a can of chili. “Hang on, there’s no need to go…

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TORONTO – Following the Lisa Laflamme “Hair-gate” scandal, CTV News has announced a groundbreaking programming initiative to revamp their flagging national reputation as a leading source of Canadian news.The new 24-nanosecond news cycle,…

CONCORD, NH—Despite the men all considering themselves best friends and each other’s closest confidants, sources confirmed Tuesday that local dad Sam Parker and his buddies were just standing around in the yard listing the smoke points of…

READING, PA—Pushing back the order’s previously estimated delivery time of 8:30 this evening, an Amazon update reportedly informed 28-year-old Emily Frakes on Tuesday that her package would now be arriving when the sky shattered, the sun…

PARK CITY, UT— Assuring himself that the most important thing to do in the present was to try to get his full eight hours of sleep, area man Greg Pappas, who was experiencing insomnia Monday night, reminded himself there would be plenty of…