Local

VANCOUVER, BC – On her commute to work, 30-year-old mother and elementary school teacher, Mya Diaz, sat in a wet seat on her B-Line bus, but reassured herself that the mysterious fluid was likely only human urine. “No biggie,” said Diaz as…

TORONTO – We toured Toronto and discovered five iconic Toronto landmarks that would definitely be more loved as weed shops. Madison Avenue Pub – At 450 meters from the nearest weed store, these three side-by-side Victorian mansions are…

NORTH BATTLEFORD, SK – Local dad Todd Wolverton has been outside shovelling snow for an unnaturally long time, and experts suggest it may be that he is avoiding his family. “I think he’s been out there way longer than he needs to,” said…

FREDERICTON – Recent reports have now confirmed that Tony Freedman, a local man who took an initial bite of incredibly hot pizza moments ago, plans to just keep that bite in his mouth until it’s all over. “I saw what happened the minute…

SUDBURY – The latest edition of Melissa Henderson’s yearly holiday newsletter is being slammed by numerous media watchdog groups for unfair reporting. The handwritten bulletin which summarizes the Sudbury family’s past year has drawn heavy…

WINNIPEG – Due to ongoing supply chain issues across the country, a local woman has completely run out of fucks to give. Alexis Jenkins, 29, has historically given excessive fucks, otherwise known as “having anxiety.” Unfortunately, after…

KITCHENER, ON – Well, it’s official: Wade Thomas has been downgraded from the status of Lovable Weirdo to just plain Weirdo, sources say. The 32-year-old Kitchener man loves lizards, potato salad, and gerontology, and has been a Laurier…

SCOTLAND—A local woman has been arrested and charged with committing multiple hate crimes for misgendering her rapist attacker. The woman in question is now facing considerable jail time for insisting that her attacker was in fact a…

SUDBURY, ON – Corey Ashford, a local 13 year-old-boy commonly referred to by friends and family as “husky”, has announced that he understands perfectly well what that word really means and does not care for it, not one bit, no sir. “I know…

ETOBICOKE, ON – Neighbours and co-workers were shocked this week to learn that 36-year-old Rhonda Bartlie is not actually a dedicated soccer mom – she just drives a minivan and is rude. “The second I learned she doesn’t have kids enrolled…