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EVERETT, WA—In an effort to emulate the pleasurable sensation of contact with another person, single man Henry Goldfarb reportedly sat on his own hand before dialing 911 Thursday to make it feel like someone else cared. “If you use your…

ST. CHARLES, MO—Covering her ears as her father screamed at her mother about the overuse of suggestive POV camera shots, local child Hadley Lohman sat frightened atop the stairs last night watching her parents argue about the ending of The…

NORFOLK, VA—Rolling their eyes at her mindless embrace of that which brings her happiness in life, sources confirmed Tuesday that basic woman Madison Derry’s entire personality revolves around things she enjoys. “I honestly kind of cringe…

FORT WAYNE, IN—Boasting that she could already tell the two would produce beautiful babies, local senile grandma Deborah Hansen tried to set her grandkids up with each other, alarmed sources confirmed Monday. “You know, my lovely…

Stepson Liked With All Of Man’s Heart - The Onion News In Photos Share Published: March 17, 2025 More News in Photos Explore Tags Read…

CLEVELAND—Concluding that the rewards simply weren’t worth the risks, local man Tim Fitzpatrick told reporters Monday that he would leave his oversized leprechaun hat at home on St. Patrick’s Day to avoid damaging it. “Obviously, it’d be a…

PALM SPRINGS, CA—Appreciative of the quality time with those who have touched the life of their dear friend, guests at a bachelorette party expressed gratitude Friday that the recent celebration had provided them with valuable time to get…

JOPLIN, MO—In an effort to ensure the sustained growth of the white race and prevent the decline of Western civilization, a local school district launched a new pronatalist sex education class Thursday that requires students to care for 14…

PHILADELPHIA—Saying he was in the market for a more powerful and rugged vehicle, prospective car buyer Gabe Orcutt reportedly took an SUV out Wednesday for a test hit and run. “I took it for a spin through some pedestrians, and I like how…

BATON ROUGE, LA—As a direct result of receiving pediatric emergency care services, local toddler Tim Ilsington, who was hospitalized Monday, will reportedly spend the rest of his life associating Mickey Mouse with physical pain. Sources…