Local

WASHINGTON—Citing the results of an exhaustive five-year inquiry into the source of the outbreak of social isolation currently plaguing the United States, the Department of Health and Human Services declared Wednesday that Dayton, OH–area…

Pompous Geese Fly In Cursive V Formation - The Onion News In Photos Share Published: December 10, 2024 More News in Photos Explore Tags…

SEATTLE—Saying the amenity was meant to ease any inconvenience caused by the disruption to his daily routine, Harborview Medical Center officials explained Thursday that they were sending area man Alex Leahy home with a loaner dad while his…

NEW YORK—Watching in stunned silence as the almost 90-year-old Academy Award–winning actress aggressively pushed him to drop the price, local man Aaron Singerman confirmed Tuesday that he wasn’t expecting Dame Judi Dench to respond to his…

SPARTA, OH—Noting that her desires were becoming increasingly less subtle, local man Tommy Hull confirmed Monday that his girlfriend, Bess Glickstein, kept dropping hints about wanting a 17-hectare mausoleum complex. “We’ll be out to dinner…

Parents Completely Jacked 3 Months Into Retirement - The Onion News In Photos Share Published: November 30, 2024 More News in Photos Explore Tags…

BETHESDA, MD—Brightening the day of those least important to her, local man Amanda Langston told reporters Monday that she wasted her good mood on her coworkers. “I cannot believe I squandered this rush of happy feelings on my stupid…

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GLENDALE, CA—Rotating the tortilla-wrapped meal to consume the Mexican food in even levels, eyewitnesses reported Thursday that every movement in local man Eddy Azarian’s burrito-eating technique has been informed by past burrito tragedies.…