Local

SPARTA, OH—Setting itself apart as a uniquely innocuous object, a wooden spoon is the only thing in local man Patrick Davies’ life that is not currently giving him cancer, sources confirmed Thursday. Unlike every other physical item…

BOSTON—Saying he was more than willing to go along with the request to avoid conflict, local internet user Dan Filmeyer reportedly clicked a box to allow all cookies Thursday so the website he was browsing wouldn’t be mad at him. “Ah, man,…

HARTFORD, CT—Telling his skeptical friends that he was in no way being hyperbolic as he described his ravenous state, local man Will Childress reportedly swore Wednesday that he was so hungry he could eat an orange. “Man, my stomach has…

CHICAGO—As he drifted in and out of consciousness and glimpsed memories of your eyes widening in horror, sources confirmed Tuesday that honestly, the man you recently saw get hit by a bus can’t stop thinking about you either. According to…

ST. GEORGE, UT—With the water vapor causing condensation to form on the lenses and impair his vision, local man Patrick Whittle was reportedly forced Thursday by his fogged-up glasses to finish his soup using his other senses. “In my…

ZANESVILLE, OH—Smugly muttering “watch and learn” as he opened his Chase app and pressed the “pay balance” button, local genius Todd Garett reportedly outsmarted his bank Monday by using a credit card to pay off another credit card. …

CLEARWATER, FL—Urging the middle school class to pay attention while he described the intimate process of revving the engine, throttling the clutch, and slamming the accelerator, local sex ed teacher Greg Flannery demonstrated to his class…

CHICAGO—Saying he ought to try standing up for himself every once and a while, sources reported Tuesday that local weak-will man Danny Reese did whatever the Cook County Circuit Court ordered him to do. “The judge tells him to stay 500 feet…

NORTH HEMPSTEAD, NY—Expressing relief after witnessing her become more confident and outgoing, sources confirmed Tuesday that a new preschool was really doing wonders for local mother Ellen Cline’s social skills. “Ever since preschool…

BOSTON—In an effort to avoid squandering any of the precious little time he had left, terminally ill man Sebastian Davies confirmed Monday that he was spending the entirety of his three remaining months of life reading up on how cool ninjas…