Local

EDMONTON – After agreeing to attend a social event for the first time in over a year, Katie Flynn is trying to get out of the commitment but has completely forgotten how to make a credible excuse. “I really wish I could make the backyard…

OTTAWA – Activist perverts from across Canada’s provinces and territories congregated in front of Parliament Hill on Sunday in a collective demonstration calling for the renaming of Father’s Day to “Daddy’s Day.” The protestors outlined…

Minden Hills, ON – Local man Jacob Hall claims to love reading, but actually just loves falling asleep with a book on his chest. “Whether it’s sci-fi, fantasy or non-fiction, I just love how opening a book can transport you anywhere,” said…

SUMMERSIDE, PEI – In an attempt to scale down the modern library experience, a local front-yard little library installed a little computer which was quickly used by a little creep to print off little images of Shakira. “There’s not much we…

WINNIPEG – Felines nationwide are praising humble hero cat Mr. Pringles after he bravely saved his owner, local university student Christine Pedany, from being in the bathroom alone for more than 30 seconds. “I first noticed she was in the…

TORONTO – Local man, Andrew Tan, has spent a lot of time lately thinking how great it would be to be a rich person’s dog instead of a human male forced to make his life fulfilling. “I’ve been procrastinating so much at work, mostly thinking…

Dartmouth, NS – A millennial woman has been horrified to discover that she just wakes up early now, all on her own. Brittany Austin, 31, made the frightening discovery last weekend, when she attempted to sleep off her sixty-hour workweek.…

Peterborough, ON – Local woman Jane Waite has been telling friends how comfortable her new Birkenstock sandals are, despite the numerous cuts, blisters and open wounds visible. “I could walk for hours in these,” said Waite at a socially…

MILTON, ON – Reaffirming that his family is a “Pfizer family,” local father Harold Ludwig has forbidden his daughter Donna from dating a teenage “Moderna bad boy.” “I’m putting my foot down on this, Donna,” said the family patriarch about…

Markham, ON – Local man, Mark Hamilton, stores his milk carton on it’s side like a goddamn fucking animal. “It’s just more ergonomic this way,” stated a deranged Hamilton, who wedged the aforementioned milk carton next to the cheese drawer…