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CLEVELAND—Concluding that the rewards simply weren’t worth the risks, local man Tim Fitzpatrick told reporters Monday that he would leave his oversized leprechaun hat at home on St. Patrick’s Day to avoid damaging it. “Obviously, it’d be a…

PALM SPRINGS, CA—Appreciative of the quality time with those who have touched the life of their dear friend, guests at a bachelorette party expressed gratitude Friday that the recent celebration had provided them with valuable time to get…

JOPLIN, MO—In an effort to ensure the sustained growth of the white race and prevent the decline of Western civilization, a local school district launched a new pronatalist sex education class Thursday that requires students to care for 14…

PHILADELPHIA—Saying he was in the market for a more powerful and rugged vehicle, prospective car buyer Gabe Orcutt reportedly took an SUV out Wednesday for a test hit and run. “I took it for a spin through some pedestrians, and I like how…

BATON ROUGE, LA—As a direct result of receiving pediatric emergency care services, local toddler Tim Ilsington, who was hospitalized Monday, will reportedly spend the rest of his life associating Mickey Mouse with physical pain. Sources…

CHICAGO—Showing a graciousness and magnanimity that the rest of the world has denied these pariahs and rejects, Jordan Hall, the only good-looking person in the office, was reportedly mingling Wednesday with his hideous coworkers like a…

WICHITA, KS—Urging her niece and nephew to sit down on the couch for a moment to talk about something serious, local fun aunt Penny Laurence confirmed Monday that she had to go away for a while. “Aunt Penny loves you very much, but she made…

RANBURNE, AL—Concluding an hours-long summit with top thinkers from the area, residents of a town with a heavyset mule stuck halfway through a barn door declared Thursday that they’re plumb out of ideas. The townsfolk, who were spotted…

HOUSTON—After two weeks of posing as an underage girl online and exchanging messages with a suspected child predator, Detective Sgt. Gordon Aguero of the Harris County Sheriff’s Office told reporters Thursday he had fallen in love with the…