Local

NEW YORK—Astonished by the sheer volume of exhibition basketball knowledge that one person could possess, sources confirmed Monday that foreign man Deniz Büyükuncu knows an incredible amount about the Harlem Globetrotters. “He saw me…

CHICAGO—A feeling of utter helplessness flooding his nervous system from the very moment he spotted the “enormous” brown paper sack, area 34-year-old Caleb Atkinson told reporters Wednesday his DoorDash order had arrived in a humiliatingly…

CHICAGO—Packing as closely together as possible to avoid losing their spots on the platform, passengers at the Chicago Transit Authority’s Clark and Division station reportedly rushed to an arriving train’s doors Friday like rat babies…

BELMONT, MA—His tolerance pushed ever-higher from decades of listening to the folksy radio program, desensitized A Prairie Home Companion fan Ira Hawthorne told reporters Thursday that he had recently been forced to seek out gentler and…

CLEVELAND—In a well-meaning but ultimately futile attempt at emotional support, Chuck Fineman, a local husband who was no closer to fixing things, was thinking “Maybe hot dog will make wife feel better,” sources confirmed Friday. “Hot dog…

HIALEAH, FL—Crimson droplets splattered across local man Cameron Downs’ white porcelain sink Thursday after he began flossing and reportedly spat out blood like a battered prizefighter in a championship bout. According to sources, the…

RALEIGH, NC—Breathing a sigh of relief as the pair of new acquaintances talked each other’s ears off without any extra input, the rest of the people attending a party Thursday reportedly thanked fucking God that the two guys who liked…

GREEN BAY, WI—In a comprehensive and thorough effort to ensure that nothing bad had happened, the aliveness of infant Liam Graham was reportedly quintuple-checked Tuesday before texting the new parents congratulations. “I was about to pop…

MURRIETA, CA—Reiterating his unwavering message about the importance of staying quiet during the cool parts of the movie, local boyfriend Sean Cohen reportedly didn’t want to talk Monday during the scene where they’re blowing up the…

Serving as a parent volunteer is a great way to bolster your child’s education as well as give back. The Onion shares tips for getting involved at your child’s school. Donate unwanted frogs and other dissectable specimens. Establish open…