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GLENDALE, CA—Rotating the tortilla-wrapped meal to consume the Mexican food in even levels, eyewitnesses reported Thursday that every movement in local man Eddy Azarian’s burrito-eating technique has been informed by past burrito tragedies.…

ANAHEIM, CA—Saying the couple wanted to minimize disruptions while they celebrated their love of American animation and each other, area bride Rachel DaSilva told reporters Friday that her Disney wedding would be kid-free. “Josh and I are…

Vaughan, ON – Members of the Braiden family are excited to have an entire day where nobody in the house is sick. “Usually October through April at least one of us will have a fever, sore throat or will be shooting absolute fire from both…

TORONTO—Though he tried hard to recall what he had learned about space rocks back in middle school, local man Jason Nieto reportedly forgot the difference between meteoroids and meteorites Thursday, struggling to describe what had just…

Orgasm Pretty Good - The Onion News In Photos Share Published: November 13, 2024 More News in Photos Explore Tags Read More The…

BOULDER, CO—After he single-handedly transformed what was once a humble get-together into a full-on rager, bystanders reported Wednesday that double-jointed man Greg Thiede has blown the fucking roof off the party by doing weird things with…

Buying clothing you’ll enjoy and own long-term can reduce the amount that ends up in landfills. Here are tips for finding your personal style: Use color analysis to determine if you’re a winter, spring, summer, or climate apocalypse. Put…

CHARLESTON, SC—Retreating from the banquet table to deliberate the virtues of roundhouse kicks to the head and submission choke holds, a group of local gentlemen retired to the parlor to continue their discussion of a kickass UFC fight…

More than one in five adults in the U.S. live with a mental illness. The Onion offers helpful tips for checking in on your friends. Gain their trust by agreeing with and reinforcing all of their negative self-talk. Remind your friend…