Local

CHARLESTON, SC—Remarking that the unexpected moment of solitude was “good enough for him,” local man Alan Stambaugh told reporters Thursday that eating lunch without headphones counted as mediating. “In terms of practicing mindfulness,…

With the start of a new year, many Americans will be engaging in new fitness routines, with jogging being among the most popular. Here are tips for finding the selecting running shoes. Decide the level of cushioning based on if you’re a…

NORFOLK, VA—In what is being hailed as a huge milestone in the development of the man’s verbal skills, sources confirmed Tuesday that Mark Peterbaum, the husband of a local woman’s cousin, said his first word during a visit with extended…

The holiday season is here, meaning millions are celebrating by indulging in festive beverages and big meals. The Onion shares tips for avoiding gaining weight over the holidays. Incorporate physical activity into family gatherings by…

MINNEAPOLIS—Cackling in gleeful anticipation, the staff at local gym Verve Fitness reportedly installed confusing new equipment Monday to mess with anyone joining in January. “Good luck getting back in shape, idiots—you’ll never figure out…

CHICAGO—Insisting that he thought what he had seen was great despite his complete lack of experience with the visual art form, local man Nick Tyler reportedly lied Monday about having seen any movies at all in order to impress his friends.…

LEAWOOD, KS—Taking the rumpled package out from behind his back, an excited Travis Kelce reportedly surprised girlfriend Taylor Swift Wednesday by handing a wrapped, football-shaped gift to the…

CHARLOTTE, NC—After finding only a large, plain envelope with his name on it under the tree, local foster child Dylan Mayfield reportedly began to worry Wednesday that the few measly sheets of paper solidifying his adoption would be his…

An estimated 120 million packages are stolen every year. With holiday shopping in full swing,The Onion shares tips for preventing package theft. Ask neighbors to keep an eye out for any packages they’d like to steal themselves. Have…

MILWAUKEE—Noticing the discolored places where different letters had once adorned the decoration, area woman Paula Jackson observed Friday that the faded outline of an ex-girlfriend’s name was still visible on the Christmas stocking given…