Local

LOS ANGELES—Assuring him the right part would come along eventually, actor Will Bachman’s agent informed him Thursday that, after a lengthy casting process, the producers of the television pilot he auditioned for had chosen to go with a dog…

TOLEDO, OH—Saying the man’s hodgepodge of threats, insults, and expletives lacked a compelling central thread, sources confirmed Tuesday that 41-year-old Ed Thassler wasn’t really articulating a cohesive reason as to why the guy who cut him…

FOSTORIA, OH—Claiming such accounts chilled him to the very bone, Ohio resident Danny Gleisner, 53, told reporters Friday that he felt deeply disturbed by reports of Haitian immigrants in the state eating vegetables. “All this I’m hearing…

SAN CLEMENTE, CA—Taking a long, full sip of her wine and exclaiming that her children were “miracles,” local mother Jane Donahue was reportedly drunk enough Friday to start listing off the names she’d given to each of her miscarriages.…

CHICAGO—In an act of astonishing fortitude that showed he drew upon a seemingly endless well of mystic strength, local man Anthony Palmer reportedly replied “STOP” Thursday to a political fundraiser text like a powerful wizard casting a…

EVERYWHERE—Emphasizing that the creature was nowhere to be found, every child at every zoo exhibit across the planet reported Wednesday that they couldn’t see the animals. “Where is it? Where is it? I can’t see!” said 6-year-old Oliver…

TERRE HAUTE, IN—Having confirmed his suspicions of his wife’s infidelity, local husband Mark Polanco filed for divorce Monday after a DNA test revealed that the child he had been raising as his own only shared half his genes. “I just can’t…

DAYTON, OH—Calling the first two “rough, but ultimately worth it,” local 53-year-old Mark Butler confirmed Tuesday he had gotten his triple bypass reversed after deciding he wanted a third heart attack after all. “Why not? There’s still…

PUNTA GORDA, FL—Expressing bafflement at the amount of plainly idiotic behavior he was witnessing, local man Tobias Coffey stated Monday that he could not understand how the cartoon character on the screen in front of him could be such as…

LOS ANGELES—Praising the latest of the car’s bleeding-edge features that felt like they came from the future, Cybertruck owner Anselm Hart bragged to friends Monday about its high-tech pedal that makes the vehicle accelerate when pressed.…