Local

HARTFORD, CT—Telling her to close her eyes and turn inward as he gently guided her positioning, local yoga teacher Vincent Diaz reportedly placed his hand on the small of student Ellie Cruz’s back Thursday, but in the parking lot. “It’s…

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Delighting in the opportunity to make use of the tool he carried with him everywhere, local father Kevin Ballard reportedly insisted on using his pocketknife Wednesday to open a can of chili. “Hang on, there’s no need to go…

Woman Reaches Arm Deep Into Purse Like Farmer Artificially Inseminating Cow - The Onion Advertising Trending News Recent News Join The Millions Of…

TORONTO – Following the Lisa Laflamme “Hair-gate” scandal, CTV News has announced a groundbreaking programming initiative to revamp their flagging national reputation as a leading source of Canadian news.The new 24-nanosecond news cycle,…

CONCORD, NH—Despite the men all considering themselves best friends and each other’s closest confidants, sources confirmed Tuesday that local dad Sam Parker and his buddies were just standing around in the yard listing the smoke points of…

READING, PA—Pushing back the order’s previously estimated delivery time of 8:30 this evening, an Amazon update reportedly informed 28-year-old Emily Frakes on Tuesday that her package would now be arriving when the sky shattered, the sun…

PARK CITY, UT— Assuring himself that the most important thing to do in the present was to try to get his full eight hours of sleep, area man Greg Pappas, who was experiencing insomnia Monday night, reminded himself there would be plenty of…

AFTON, WI—Remarking on the hay-stuffed decoy’s surprisingly shapely form, passersby reported Friday that a scarecrow in a local cornfield boasted double-D breasts. “Damn, she’s got hay in all the right places, don’t she?” area man Jim…

MILWAUKEE—Expressing elation over the discovery made during renovations of their newly purchased Victorian house, new homeowners Rick and Tanya Delaney were reportedly thrilled Thursday to find a pentagram carved into the hardwood floor…

LOS ANGELES—Assuring him the right part would come along eventually, actor Will Bachman’s agent informed him Thursday that, after a lengthy casting process, the producers of the television pilot he auditioned for had chosen to go with a dog…