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TORONTO—Though he tried hard to recall what he had learned about space rocks back in middle school, local man Jason Nieto reportedly forgot the difference between meteoroids and meteorites Thursday, struggling to describe what had just…

Orgasm Pretty Good - The Onion News In Photos Share Published: November 13, 2024 More News in Photos Explore Tags Read More The…

BOULDER, CO—After he single-handedly transformed what was once a humble get-together into a full-on rager, bystanders reported Wednesday that double-jointed man Greg Thiede has blown the fucking roof off the party by doing weird things with…

Buying clothing you’ll enjoy and own long-term can reduce the amount that ends up in landfills. Here are tips for finding your personal style: Use color analysis to determine if you’re a winter, spring, summer, or climate apocalypse. Put…

CHARLESTON, SC—Retreating from the banquet table to deliberate the virtues of roundhouse kicks to the head and submission choke holds, a group of local gentlemen retired to the parlor to continue their discussion of a kickass UFC fight…

More than one in five adults in the U.S. live with a mental illness. The Onion offers helpful tips for checking in on your friends. Gain their trust by agreeing with and reinforcing all of their negative self-talk. Remind your friend…

NORWICH, CT—Excitedly running up to dozens of houses covered in Halloween decorations, local pervert Phil Jenkins, 52, reportedly went door-to-door Thursday asking for trick-or-treaters. “Trick-or-treater, please!” said Jenkins, holding a…

DURHAM, NC—The sense of doom only dawning on the canine after the Disney princess dress had been pulled over his head, local dog Pickles reportedly looked at his owner Thursday the way a mafia don looks at a once-loyal consigliere who has…

MEHLVILLE, MO—Crossing her state’s eastern border into Illinois to find a more distant fire station, Missouri resident Eileen Fayette reportedly opted to surrender her baby in a Safe Haven Baby Box a couple towns over Wednesday so that it…

POCATELLO, ID—Shedding new light on an unfolding situation that allegedly left Mom very upset, a new report issued Tuesday through Dad’s gritted teeth indicated that you needed to come back here right this instant and apologize to your…