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CINCINNATI—In an act that demonstrated a singularly cold-blooded focus, 32-year-old Andrew Thompson reportedly turned off his phone Monday with the intensity of a mobster smothering a key witness with a pillow. Sources confirmed that as…

LOVES PARK, IL—Firm in his refusal to move on to the next tee until his standards had been met, area dad Greg Nevins announced Thursday that he was not leaving this mini golf hole until his son Logan showed him some good form. “Come on,…

CHICAGO—Sending commuters into a panic, a switchblade-wielding subway rider was reportedly locked in a tense standoff Thursday with a penis-wielding rider. “As soon as the two of these guys made eye contact, everybody knew there was no way…

DAVENPORT, IA—Lauded for his courage and good cheer even in the face of adversity, local high school quarterback Brett Modine, who was paralyzed during a practice scrimmage earlier in the year, was praised as a hero this week for not…

TROY, NY—Showering his screen with balloons and confetti while asking him to confirm the information was accurate, LinkedIn reportedly congratulated local man Steve Romano on Tuesday for reaching five years at his dead-end job without…

STOCKTON, CA—Complaining that the woman acts like she owns the place despite her groom’s incredible generosity, local man Jason Foster reported Monday that his bride was being awfully picky about the wedding cake for someone who just got a…

PITTSBURGH—Putting on a brave face and carrying on with his regularly scheduled hoagie consumption habits Friday, local man Craig Landers was reportedly continuing amid the nationwide listeria outbreak to eat deli meat as if nothing had…

With the loneliness epidemic impacting millions of Americans, book clubs offer a simple and structured way for readers of all ages to socialize. The Onion shares tips for starting your own book club. Seek out fellow readers…

LITTLE ROCK, AR—Admitting that he had heard the phrase before but was unclear as to its exact meaning, local husband Brad Moff, 35, reportedly asked his wife Thursday if an ectopic pregnancy was a good thing. “Wait, so does that mean…

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