Local

FAIRFAX, VA—Shaking his head as he rushed past yet another indecisive group laughing together at an obvious dead end, area man Justin Carter reflected Friday on how going with friends would have just slowed him down on his way through a…

SPOKANE, WA—Stressing that the best move would be to just shave the whole thing off, sources confirmed Thursday that area man Stephen Blanchet’s shitty beard had barely any frolicsome woodland creatures living in it. “You can tell Stephen’s…

CHICAGO—Realizing there comes a time when everyone crashes into a window, local man Danny Nagler told reporters Wednesday that a dead bird on the sidewalk had led him to contemplate his own inevitable collision with plate glass. “Seeing…

PITTSBURGH—Patting herself on the back for staying ahead of schedule, local woman Ruby Butcher reported feeling accomplished Friday after finishing her holiday weight gain early. “Usually I put it off until the last minute, but this year…

BOSTON—Describing the behavior as an avoidance strategy used to ignore difficult subjects, local woman Sophia McKabe told reporters Thursday that her emotionally distant husband Doug seemed to prefer watching Stargate SG-1 to having an…

CHICAGO—Observing the 300-pound captive ape from the other side of his enclosure, Lincoln Park Zoo guests expressed empathy this week for western lowland gorilla Nzinga, who looked bored out of his mind reading Wuthering Heights. …

MANCHESTER, NH—Blasting the individual for barely shuffling his goddamn feet and not even touching the glass, area man Owen Hodges confirmed Thursday that the other guy in the revolving door wasn’t doing shit to help…

KANSAS CITY, MO—Falling short of the high burden of proof demanded in the courthouse, area couple Alice Fields and Zachary Garcia were reportedly denied a marriage license Tuesday after failing to prove their love beyond a reasonable doubt.…

RICHMOND, VA—In an attempt to make clear her feelings of emotional warmth toward their texts and photos, local mom Susan Barnes reportedly spent 15 minutes of her Thursday morning combing through the past five days of her family’s group…

MINNEAPOLIS—Admitting her knee-jerk response seemed to have been an overreaction, local ambulance driver Tara Stanton told reporters Wednesday that she was pretty embarrassed she did all of that just to go three blocks. “Oh jeez, if I’d…