masturbation

NEW YORK—Emerging from decades of self-imposed retirement to insert himself into your most intimate fantasies, actor and comedian Rick Moranis announced Monday that he had plans to pop into your head for no discernible reason right before…

LEAWOOD, KS—In a rollout of what the theater chain has dubbed “experience-based pricing,” AMC announced Tuesday that they were now basing ticket prices on proximity to a guy masturbating in the dark. “Starting Feb. 10, the cost of tickets…

EDMONTON – Because the COVID vaccine generally causes soreness in the arm it’s injected into, Dr. Alex Hall has been advising Canadians to get it in their non-masturbation arm. “Many Canadians are still in lockdown and isolated from their…

TORONTO – At a press conference this morning Ontario Premier Doug Ford announced that the province would be banning all non-essential jacking off to combat the rise of COVID-19. “Listen, folks. We all love rubbing one out, but right now we…

KAMLOOPS, BC – After Ian McKean purchased a 600 ml bottle of cocoa butter lotion, he has been unable to find a location in his apartment to put it that doesn’t suggest that’s where he furiously masturbates. “Let’s be honest, the bedside…