Ministries

DODGE CITY, KS—Several youth group members at Maple Community Church were able to confirm that every single sentence in youth pastor Pete Carson’s Wednesday evening sermon was punctuated with a desperate attempt to get the crowd to quiet…

CHICAGO, IL—Attendance records for the beginning of the Chicago White Sox’s season obtained Monday revealed that the majority of Sox games are now being attended by fewer people than even the average Sunday service at an Episcopal Church.…

NEW YORK, NY—In what was rumored to be a multi-million-dollar deal, popular clickbait website BuzzFeed has purchased The Gospel Coalition, journalists learned Wednesday. TGC had reportedly been restructuring and refocusing its content for…

Brought to you by  PORTLAND, OR—A new catechism released by a coalition of several progressive, mainline denominations Tuesday consists solely of 107 questions, without a single answer to any of them, sources confirmed. Liberal priests,…

WASHINGTON, D.C.—The last surviving members of the Episcopalian religion voted last week to stop using male pronouns for God, sources at a meeting of the Diocese of Washington, D.C. confirmed. The 37 remaining Episcopalians on Planet…

DALLAS, TX—He’s already won the most important secular position in the land, but President Donald Trump has now been nominated for a higher calling: his name was anonymously submitted as a candidate for the presidency of the Southern…

CHARLOTTE, NC—Elevation Worship is one of the most successful, rich, and famous worship bands around today, but they’re about to get the boot from their home church in favor of Irish rock band U2, sources were able to confirm Thursday. The…

DALLAS, TX—In a powerful show of devotion to the president of the United States, members of First Baptist Dallas passed their golden jewelry, watches, and personal trinkets down to the front of the sanctuary Sunday morning, where Pastor…

HOUSTON, TX—America’s largest church has filed for an initial public offering which will take place early next year, Lakewood executives as well as a spokesman for the Securities and Exchange Commission confirmed Thursday. The church will…

CHARLOTTE, NC—Carolina Panthers owner Jerry Richardson shocked the sports world last weekend when he announced that he will be selling the franchise after this season in the wake of alleged sexual and racist misconduct. Now the city’s…