Money

Toronto, ON – Loblaws CEO Galen Weston Jr. has recently explained to politicians on Parliament Hill that his record-breaking profits during difficult economic times are only due to Canadians’ modern fascination with eating. “It’s a very…

WASHINGTON—Awake until the wee hours of the morning carefully crafting the policy, Education Secretary Miguel Cardona’s mother was forced to stay up all night devising a plan to combat student debt, sources reported Thursday. “Wait, you…

WASHINGTON—In the wake of the collapse of Silicon Valley Bank and subsequent government bailout of its depositors, the Federal Reserve took steps Friday to assure venture capitalists that they’re very smart and important. “You are just the…

NEW YORK—Calling it a desirable low-risk, high-yield option, financial experts reportedly recommended Thursday that Americans invest in businesses the government will bail out anytime they fuck up. “We strongly encourage people to put their…

Amalgamated Bank, with just five branches across three cities, would seem an unlikely mover and shaker in the world of Wall Street, let alone Washington, D.C. Yet last fall, it successfully pressured colossal credit card companies…

OTTAWA – A new survey by BMO financial group has concluded that Canadians will need approximately $1.7M saved in order to retire, a figure to achieve which a Canadian earning an average income would need to set aside approximately 100% of…

TUCSON, AZ—Forgoing more traditional emergency supplies like canned goods, potable water, or a hand-crank radio, local doomsday prepper Craig Horvitz has been hoarding Chili’s gift cards to ensure his casual dining needs are met after the…

OTTAWA – Recent consumer data was shows an alarming majority of Canadians continue to spend their grocery budget on groceries, despite the advice of financial experts to buy grocery stocks instead. “Canadian food prices are sky high, as is…

Caledon, Ontario – With a growing number of Canadians facing food insecurity in the face of rising prices, Loblaws CEO Galen Weston Jr. recently informed the nation that if Canadians can no longer afford bread, “Let them eat McCain’s Deep N…

Philadelphia Eagles cornerback C.J. Gardner-Johnson had an eventful weekend full of highs and lows. On Saturday night, his team walloped the New York Giants, 38-7, to advance to the NFC Championship Game. But on Monday, days after his team…