Movies

Cannes Film Festival issued an updated red carpet dress code that effectively bans full nudity and “voluminous” ensembles, citing “decency reasons.” What do you think? “Look, they never said where my black tie was supposed to go.”…

I’ve loved movies ever since I was a little kid. Just stepping into that dark theater, with the smell of fresh popcorn, was like being transported to a whole other world. It used to be so magical. But now I’m thinking about boycotting…

LOS ANGELES—Presenting him with a small-scale gilded anatomical model at a lavish ceremony Monday evening, the American Film Institute honored top leading man Dwayne Johnson for his outstanding accomplishments in the field of neck…

HOLLYWOOD, CA – After accidentally watching the South Korean film Parasite on Air Force One, Donald Trump has signed an executive order placing a 100% tariff on any movie that forces him to read. “Stop showing me that goddamn garbage!”…

Sinners, the new movie from Ryan Coogler starring Michael B. Jordan, has received widespread praise from critics and audiences. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the film. Q: What is Sinners about? A: America’s inability to…

SPOKANE, WA—Lamenting that all his effort had been in vain, area man Evan Stackelberg told reporters Thursday that his 14 years of avoiding spoilers for Mr. Popper’s Penguins had been undone in a single moment of carelessness. “I stayed off…

Money, CA – After a few weeks breaking no records at the box office, Disney’s Snow White has finally been dethroned at the box office by a poorly shot video of a man ranking Skittles flavours. “It’s just a better hook for audiences,”…

If you’ve been a teenager in the last 40 years, you’re sure to feel some nostalgia when you think of the characters in The Breakfast Club coming together at the end of the film. So it’s a bit bittersweet to learn that the cast actually…

Several months ago, Netflix announced it would be producing its own interpretation of the Narnia franchise, set to be directed by Greta Gerwig. Avid fans of the series voiced their suspicions about how the company would interpret the books,…

LOUISVILLE, KY—Expressing a mix of frustration and stunned disbelief at the woman’s lack of enthusiasm, local man Ron Broder told reporters Wednesday that the escort whose services he had solicited for the evening fell asleep during Star…