musicians

SEATTLE—Blaring Camille Saint-Saëns’ “Danse Macabre” from a battered old boombox, local necromancer Edgar Ravenswood reportedly spent his day off Friday restoring a classic guy in his driveway. “He’s in rough shape right now, but I hope to…

ATLANTIC OCEAN—In the midst of a frantic search for the missing OceanGate submersible on Wednesday, rescue teams reportedly detected the sound of Savage Garden’s “Truly, Madly, Deeply” playing underwater. “We have yet to identify the…

SAN ANTONIO, TX—Fearing the worst after catching her partner taking care of himself, local woman Lorena Gonzalez worried Tuesday that her boyfriend Kyle Morland was cheating after noticing he had picked up a healthy habit. “I don’t want to…

CHICAGO—Following an investigation from the U.S. Department of Labor, McDonald’s was under fire Monday for reportedly employing a 7-year-old Grimace. “We discovered this young Grimace late one night at McDonald’s, working all alone, without…

NEW YORK—Concluding a protracted legal battle in which the popular singer-songwriter stood accused of plagiarism, a federal jury found Thursday that singer-songwriter Ed Sheeran did not infringe upon anyone’s intellectual property with his…

SUNRISE, FL—Admitting that even the most incredible trips had to come to an end, local Aerosmith fan Tara Andrade, 67, told reporters Tuesday that she was sad this would be the last time she’d be giving Steven Tyler head after a concert.…

MESA, AZ—Saying that being crushed to death wasn’t even close to the worst part of his night, local man James Hanson confirmed Friday that he was annoyed to be dying at the concert of an artist he barely even liked. “Wow, this sucks—I can’t…

CHICAGO—Making repeated announcements over the platform loudspeakers and within the agency’s tracking apps, the Chicago Transit Authority informed the public of significant delays Wednesday due to an unconscious fear of success manifesting…

Police are suing the rapper Afroman for invasion of privacy after the artist used home security footage in his music videos of officers raiding his home on unfounded suspicions of drug trafficking and kidnapping. What do you think?“Sorry,…

Start SlideshowWhile over 14 million people attempted to buy Taylor Swift tickets, only 2.4 million were actually sold. The Onion asked Swifties how they managed to snag tickets to the Eras Tour, and this is what they…