National

TORONTO – In a blistering column, an opinion-maker known for his vitriolic takes has roasted the federal government for its slow vaccine procurement for a disease he doesn’t believe is real. The 500 word expose blames governments as well as…

OTTAWA – A new study indicates that the biggest cause of Canadians repeatedly exclaiming ‘fuck this fucking shit’ is shovelling snow. “Of all the frustrations that plague us, nothing makes us say this exact combination of words over and…

OTTAWA – Following the resignation of Governor General Julie Payette, in the wake of abuse allegations, Prime Minister Trudeau has been having an impossible time finding another astronaut to fill the position. “You wouldn’t believe how…

OTTAWA – A new study has found that, for every three complaints expressed about winter, one complaint has been made about said complaints. “It’s like it’s their first winter ever!” said one of the research participants. “There’s this guy…

TORONTO – Upon learning that the Proud Boys have been designated a terrorist group, Toronto chapter member Steven Bloom was at a loss to explain how an organization that orders its members to only jerk off once a month in the name of saving…

CALGARY – A 62-year-old mother has cut off terrorist funding by withholding her 35-year-old son’s allowance. Gillian Brown explained that the $20 weekly stipend she gave to her son Jamie was technically supporting her son’s activities in…

TORONTO – After his tweet about mistakenly using dog shampoo for several months went viral, Canadian journalist Jonathan Kay has been hard at work explaining how exactly “the cancel culture Twitterati” deceived him into using canine…

PALM BEACH, FL – Dozens of Canadian snowbirds are outraged that the federal government only gave them a year to change their annual migratory plans due to the global COVID-19 pandemic. Many claimed to be caught off-guard by the outbreak,…

REGINA – Despite claims that physical mail has been declining and gone to the wayside the past two decades, a local Canada Post-Punk rebukes the notion, and states that mail’s not dead. “Listen, sure, we had our heyday and we don’t deny…

OTTAWA – Under fire for not properly vetting Julie Payette before selecting her as Canada’s Governor General, Justin Trudeau pointed out today that too much vetting can actually be a bad thing, as it would have likely prevented him from…