nature

OTTAWA – Prime Minister Justin Trudeau took the podium last week to reaffirm to Canadians that even with Bill C-21 tightening up gun control laws, they will still be able to perish in preventable incidents during outdoor activities. “The…

Kingston, ON – A senior researcher at Queen’s University claimed this week that otters don’t exist and are actually just wet dogs. “It all came to me at the cottage,” said zoologist Dick Jones. “I was showing my wife pictures of sea otter…

SASKATOON — Local plants Natalie and William expressed their horror at having to reside on a structure surrounded by the corpses of their relatives, which have been dried, mulched, flattened, bound, and imprinted with line after line of…

EVERYWHERE, ALL AROUND YOU, ALL THE TIME ― A report conducted this summer by the University of Guelph has found that 97% of reported cases of temporary insanity in Canada are triggered exclusively by the infuriating buzzing of fucking…

WASHINGTON, DC- The U.S. Environmental Protection Agency announced its new strategy to conserve natural spaces; distributing firearms to all native plant and animal species to allow them to protect themselves and their habitats. “For years,…

PRINCE EDWARD COUNTY, ON – As the leaves change colour and drop from the trees in a gorgeous display of nature at its most spectacular, one particularly horny maple leaf has been spotted begging people to “step on its face”. “Yeah, stud,…

OTTAWA – Finance Minister Chrystia Freeland released a statement late last night announcing an increase in funding for the Department of Defense. Further investigation revealed that the increase is a sudden 400% boost to the Canadian…

CANADA ― As the votes are tabulated in the 2021 election, analysts project that ‘reducing Canadian carbon emissions to a reasonable proportion of recommended global rates’ has lost to Liberal Justin Trudeau/Conservative Erin O’Toole. In his…

SANTA FE, NM—Advising residents to avoid prolonged outdoor activity, the National Weather Service reported Friday that a scorching heat wave had caused unsightly blisters to bubble up across the American Southwest. “Although the region is…

TOFINO, BC – After trying multiple brands and formulations of natural deodorant, it’s been decided that natural deodorant is absolutely a waste of nature. Our planet deserves better than to have its resources squandered on a product that…