news

SUNNYVALE, CA—Creating a trail of liquid that dripped from her desk to her car, laid-off 23andMe employee Marcia Nashold reportedly packed up her box of bodily fluids Wednesday morning and vacated her office. According to sources, the…

CHICAGO—Highlighting a rising distrust in evidence-based knowledge, a report published Wednesday in the American Journal Of Sociology found that anti-science attitudes were strongest amongst those who believe turtles have a little apartment…

Democrats Huddle To Decide How Best To Let Massive Republican Fuck-Up Slip Through Fingers - The Onion News In Photos Share Published: March 25, 2025…

‘I Messed Up At Work Again,’ Crestfallen Michael Waltz Texts Wife, National Geographic Editorial Staff - The Onion News In Photos Share Published: March 25,…

SAN FRANCISCO—Touting the move as a minimally intrusive and private way to keep its sexual health medications available to a wide customer base, Hims announced Tuesday that erections provided by the company would soon feature ads. “In an…

In the coming weeks, nearly 60% of Americans are expected to travel over the academic vacation period known as spring break. The Onion presents a historical timeline of the wild cultural phenomenon now considered a rite of passage for many…

Pope Francis Flips Off Crowd From Balcony - The Onion News In Photos Share Published: March 24, 2025 More News in Photos Explore Tags…

WASHINGTON—In the wake of soaring egg prices and shortages nationwide, food experts from the U.S. Department of Agriculture released new guidelines Friday recommending the use of hunger as an appropriate egg substitute. “Whether used as a…

WASHINGTON—Stressing that they were approaching the future with the utmost seriousness, the nation’s fuckups announced a plan Friday to get their shit together for real this time. “While I know we’ve made assurances like this in the past,…

Grimes Slaps ‘I Bought This Before Elon Went Crazy’ Sticker On Child - The Onion News In Photos Share Published: March 21, 2025 More News in Photos…