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Elon Musk, the leader of DOGE, claims the organization’s sweeping cuts have already saved the government $55 billion. The Onion examines the key facts and figures behind the Department Of Government Efficiency. 20,000: Free lunch…

DHARAMSHALA, INDIA—The Dalai Lama announced in a press conference Monday that he has revised his position that suffering is an inevitable fact of life and that he now believes life is only suffering when one is not listening to golden-era…

CHICAGO—Noting that early humans’ aversion to confrontation played a critical role in their evolution, a new study published Friday in the American Journal Of Archaeology concluded that written language was first developed to avoid breaking…

Despite stereotypes that unpartnered people are lonely or unhappy, being single doesn’t have to be a burden. The Onion shares tips for embracing single life. Take yourself on a date! There’s no reason you can’t have fun being visibly,…

Sexually transmitted infections, also known as STIs or STDs, affect millions of Americans every year. The Onion debunks the many misconceptions people have about STIs. MYTH: STI tests are inconvenient. FACT: The clinic will mail your penis…

Elon Musk Humps Nuclear Football - The Onion News In Photos Share Published: February 13, 2025 More News in Photos Explore Tags Read More…

WASHINGTON—Stressing that he was open to going far higher to close the deal, Tesla CEO Elon Musk announced Wednesday that he had made an unsolicited $97.4 billion offer to acquire respect. “This is a very important opportunity for me, and…

LOS ANGELES—Boasting that he had made the most dramatic change to his appearance yet, anti-aging millionaire Bryan Johnson revealed Wednesday that he had put in purple contact lenses. “Today, I stand before you a new, younger man who also…

WASHINGTON—Raising alarm over what the report called a major breach, a watchdog investigation discovered Tuesday that Elon Musk’s hair-plug guy had been granted high-level security clearance by the U.S. State Department. “Records indicate…

WASHINGTON—In a major survey of public attitudes toward alternative energy as the climate crisis continues, a poll published Tuesday found that an overwhelming majority of U.S. residents would support wind turbines if they sliced deli meat…