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WASHINGTON—Gawking at the widespread destruction caused by Hurricane Helene across much of the southeastern United States, the Federal Emergency Management Agency issued a statement Monday announcing, “Damn, that’s crazy.” “So much water,…

Following price hikes made at Netflix and Max earlier this year, Disney will be increasing subscription costs for Hulu, ESPN+, and Disney+ beginning Oct. 17. The Onion shares tips for saving money on streaming. Instead of streaming…

ACTON, MA—Finding a massive disparity in driver savviness across different parts of the road, a report released Monday confirmed that the cars in the other lane were all a bunch of suckers. “Look at those rubes just inching along like a…

SI RACHA, THAILAND—Expressing concern over how long the joy ride would last, internet phenom and zoo resident Moo Deng told reporters Friday she was worried a chubbier, feistier pygmy hippo was coming to take this all away. “I’ve sacrificed…

The wrinkle-reducing treatment Botox is the most popular nonsurgical cosmetic procedure in the world. The Onion debunks some of the most common myths surrounding the injectable. MYTH: Botox makes patients’ faces look frozen. FACT: The…

BAKERSFIELD, VT—Having proclaimed the word of the Lord Almighty before a humble, trembling man, the Archangel Michael reportedly hung around after delivering the divine message Friday in hopes of receiving a tip. “So was everything okay…

This week marks Banned Books Week, an annual effort promoted by the American Library Association to bring awareness to literary censorship. In recognition of the event, The Onion takes a look at the history of book bans in the United…

ROME—In a discovery shedding light on the earliest days of God’s only son, biblical scholars revealed Wednesday that Mary stole the idea for Jesus’ baby name from her best friend. “According to some newly unearthed records from the time, we…

TORONTO – Following the Lisa Laflamme “Hair-gate” scandal, CTV News has announced a groundbreaking programming initiative to revamp their flagging national reputation as a leading source of Canadian news.The new 24-nanosecond news cycle,…

BRATTLEBORO, VT—Expressing frustration with the writer’s ambiguous imagery and nonlinear writing style, sources confirmed Monday that it was unclear what the fuck the poet they were reading was on about. “He keeps describing the ‘bright…