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WASHINGTON—Sinking deep into the blissful delusion that they were the “Chairman of the Board,” residents of the mentally broken nation reportedly began dressing and speaking like Frank Sinatra on Wednesday. In what appeared to be an…

BRYANT POND, ME—Describing the moment as a “transformative experience” that inspired him to embrace God and read the Bible, a piss-soaked Tucker Carlson claimed Friday that a demon had urinated on him while he was sleeping. “One…

BERLIN—In a discovery that sheds new light on the infamous dictator’s last moments, historians in Berlin confirmed Friday that they had unearthed the final fundraising telegraph Hitler sent from the Führerbunker. “After unearthing the…

Georgia father Colin Gray is facing 29 charges for his role in the mass shooting carried out by his son, which follows Michigan’s dual conviction of parents James and Jennifer Crumbley earlier this year. The Onion examines the pros and cons…

WASHINGTON—In an update that will require those sitting for the exam to demonstrate the full range of skills necessary to take part in American civic life, government officials announced Monday that a newly revised citizenship test asks…

LOS ANGELES—Calling the findings of its comprehensive survey of American workplace practices “total bullshit,” the Institute for Research on Labor and Employment issued a report Monday concluding that you should be able to retire after,…

Studies have linked chronic loneliness with a variety of harmful health conditions, from cardiovascular disease to anxiety. The Onion takes a look at the key statistics behind what the surgeon general has described as a loneliness epidemic.…

Elon Musk, one of the Trump campaign’ most powerful donors, recently announced he will give away $1 million daily to swing state voters who sign his PAC’s petition. Here are all of the other ways the billionaire is working to get Trump…

BALTIMORE—In what astronomers called an alarming yet compelling observation, NASA officials announced Thursday the discovery of potential life on Mars after a giant eyeball in the middle of the planet looked directly into the James Webb…

According to the American Society of Plastic Surgeons, breast reduction surgery has surged, growing 64% from 2019 to 2023. Here is what you need to know about the increasingly common elective procedure. Q: Who is a good candidate for breast…