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WASHINGTON—Placing his right hand on the collection of posts taken from the controversial message board, JD Vance was reportedly sworn in as vice president Monday on a stack of printed-out 4chan greentexts. “I, James David Vance, do…

WASHINGTON—Hampering the chief justice’s efforts to swear him in for a second term, President-elect Donald Trump autographed the inaugural Bible before handing it back to John Roberts, sources confirmed Monday. “There you go—all…

WASHINGTON—Watching in horror as the hulking feline pounced on the commander-in-chief scampering across the White House lawn, officials confirmed Friday that President Joe Biden was batted around by a relentless giant cat. “Hey, kitty,…

CAIRO—Finally solving the mystery of how such architectural wonders could have been built with primitive tools in ancient times, Egyptologists from Cambridge University announced Thursday that they had unearthed depictions of the simple…

President-elect Donald Trump has expressed his interest in buying Greenland, an idea he first floated back in 2019. The Onion examines the pros and cons of the U.S. acquiring the country. PRO: New Indigenous people to wrong CON: Feels…

Meta founder and CEO Mark Zuckerberg has made a major right-wing pivot, including adding Trump ally Dana White to the company’s board and agreeing to cohost an inauguration reception. Here are the other changes Zuckerberg is implementing to…

WASHINGTON—Declining to attend any event or go anywhere at all until 2030, former first lady Michelle Obama confirmed Thursday that she would be skipping the rest of the decade. “I’ve decided to just go ahead and excuse myself for the…

LOS ANGELES—Saying such individuals posed a threat to the safety and security of all city residents, the Los Angeles Police Department announced Thursday that it had arrested everyone who lost their home in the ongoing wildfires. “In the…

HOUSTON—Coming to terms with its diminished status after thousands of years as a venerated deity commanding pure devotion, the sun admitted this week that it was unsure what it had to do to get humans to worship it again. “Last year I tried…

MINNEAPOLIS—After months of declining sales at the retail chain, experts confirmed Tuesday that Target was losing market share due to more Americans opting to forgo all earthly possessions. “While Target used to have a loyal customer base…