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PHILADELPHIA—Bravely responding to a citywide crisis, humanitarian organizations from across the globe arrived in Philadelphia early Monday to feed the city’s hungover residents. “We cannot in good conscience allow these people to stay this…

TECOLUCA, EL SALVADOR—Expressing concern after he stepped inside the cold, concrete room and suddenly heard the click of a lock behind him, a panicked Secretary of State Marco Rubio was reportedly trapped Monday in a cell while on a tour of…

An outbreak of avian flu is currently affecting birds both on farms and in the wild. The Onion debunks common myths surrounding the virus. MYTH: Bird flu only affects birds. FACT: Bird flu can affect anyone with a beak. MYTH: Bird flu has…

NEW ORLEANS—Reportedly catching sight of the threat in his periphery, a heroic Secret Service agent sprung into action Sunday and shielded President Donald Trump from an incoming Brittany Mahomes. “We are trained to identify excruciating…

BALTIMORE—Mutely observing as the lewd query was entered into the prompt, a pioneering female archaeologist featured in a Google Doodle bore silent witness to local man Daniel Thornstein’s search for Zootopia porn, sources reported Friday.…

The Sims, which has sold nearly 200 million copies, celebrates its 25th anniversary this February. In honor of the video game franchise, The Onion looks back at its key milestones. 1977: Will Wright gets a great idea for a video game…

Melania Trump Holds Paint Swatches Up Against Bellowing Void - The Onion News In Photos Share Published: February 6, 2025 More News in Photos…

WASHINGTON—Fulfilling a campaign promise made by President Donald Trump, the U.S. Department of the Interior announced Wednesday that it was enacting a ban on unlikely animal friendships, effective immediately. “Starting today, any animal…

Fired FBI Agent Glumly Suction-Cup-Walks Down Side Of Building - The Onion News In Photos Share Published: February 5, 2025 More News in Photos…

WASHINGTON—In an effort to patch things up in their relationship, billionaire Jeff Bezos reportedly changed The Washington Post‘s slogan to “Love You, Babe”…