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ABILENE, KS—Holding their loved ones close in astonishment as they witnessed thehistory-making broadcast, an emotional nation reportedly gathered outside a Main Street television store Friday to watch a monster truck land on a smaller…

MOSCOW—Just days after rebels seized Damascus, deposed Syrian President Bashar al-Assad reportedly returned to practicing ophthalmology at a Moscow LensCrafters, sources confirmed Tuesday. “Which one is better—one or two?” said the former…

GREENVILLE, NC—Calling it a “life-changing” opportunity for one of his many subscribers, internet influencer Jimmy “MrBeast” Donaldson reportedly offered Friday to give $1 million to the first person who could teach him to blink. “Today,…

DAMASCUS—Stating that none of it would have been possible without the broken will of the nation’s people, ousted Syrian autocrat Bashar al-Assad left a note Sunday thanking locals for supporting his family-run dictatorship. “It’s been my…

AUSTIN, TX—In a sweeping prohibition with immediate implications for the Lone Star State’s potential mothers-to-be, Texas banned the sale of luggage to pregnant women Monday. “With this law, we ensure that no gestating woman living in…

PHILADELPHIA—Weighing in on the chaotic events unfolding in one of those Middle Eastern–looking countries, Americans reported feeling glad Monday that ISIS had finally been defeated or something to that effect. “It’s so awesome how those…

PARIS—After five years of painstaking reconstruction, the famed Notre-Dame cathedral reportedly reopened Friday to fire. “As a key symbol of fire identity, we are so thrilled to welcome flames into Notre-Dame once again,” said French…

Ryan Walters, Oklahoma’s superintendent of public instruction, has ordered schools to incorporate the Bible into lesson plans for students in grades five through 12, putting the separation of church and state to the test. The Onion shares…

NEW YORK—Emphasizing that enough was enough with the season of savings, the entire U.S. populace told reporters Friday that it was sick and tired of all the deals and bargains. “Just charge us full price, goddammit,” said Peter Nguyen, 43,…

LOS ANGELES—Appearing stumped by the convicted murderers’ testimony, Los Angeles Superior Court Judge Michael Jesic reportedly delayed his decision Thursday in the resentencing of Lyle and Erik Menendez after learning that one brother…