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NEW YORK—Insisting he was keeping all avenues open as he explored his future, ESPN commentator Stephen A. Smith told reporters Monday that he still hasn’t ruled out living a cushy life as a millionaire television personality with no…

From bold color choices to intricate patterns, there are many ways to make your springtime holiday decorations stand out from the rest. The Onion shares tips for dyeing Easter eggs. Decide if you’ll be doing impressionism, pointillism, or a…

WASHINGTON—In an effort to help customers living in areas with little or no access to abortion care, Clearblue announced Monday that its pregnancy tests sold in the U.S. market would now come with a flight voucher in case the result was…

HUNTSVILLE, AL—Confirming that the group’s long ordeal was finally over, NASA announced Thursday that it had successfully rescued three children stranded for more than nine months at Space Camp. “At 12:07 p.m. Eastern Daylight Time today,…

Katy Perry Unaware She Already Chosen To Be Jettisoned If There Emergency In Space - The Onion News In Photos Share Published: April 10, 2025 More…

WASHINGTON—Demanding viewers look upon their precious offspring or suffer dire consequences, extremist parenting organization Mamas United reportedly hijacked the airwaves Monday to broadcast photos of their children. “People of the…

VEVEY, SWITZERLAND—With the food conglomerate saying the acquisition made sense given its longstanding strategic partnership with the pathogen, Nestlé released a statement Friday confirming it had purchased E. coli for…

Report: Recession Fears Forcing More Americans To Hold Off On Retiring From Presidency - The Onion News In Photos Share Published: April 8, 2025 More…

LOS ANGELES—Thanking everyone who had helped her make the world a more unequal and uneducated place, actress and comedian Roseanne Barr announced Monday that her illiteracy charity had snatched its 100 millionth book from a child.…

WASHINGTON—As part of a sweeping overhaul of the building’s plumbing system, Robert F. Kennedy Jr. reportedly ordered the removal of sinks Tuesday from all bathrooms in the Department of Health and Human Services headquarters. “People…