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STARBASE, TX—Screaming in terror as he rushed through the raging flames consuming his promised tech utopia, billionaire Elon Musk reportedly pushed aside a 9-year-old child Friday on his way to the escape pods as Starbase collapsed behind…

CHICAGO—A study published Friday by the National Association of Realtors concluded that most millennials will never own a swanky undersea apartment where fish swim past the windows. “For the majority of working adults age 29 to 44, the…

VATICAN CITY—Angrily stomping on his vestments and throwing his zucchetto on the ground, Cardinal Pietro Parolin told reporters Friday that being passed over for pope meant he had devoted his life to God for absolutely nothing. “Five…

Pope Leo XIV: ‘There Couldn’t Be A Better Time To Get The Fuck Out Of America Forever’ - The Onion Published: May 8, 2025 Advertising Advertising…

Conclave Selects First Chicago-Style Pope - The Onion Published: May 8, 2025 Advertising Advertising Explore More Photos Explore Tags…

THE HEAVENS—Cursing aloud the moment news of Leo XIV’s election arrived on His phone screen, the Lord Almighty told reporters Thursday that he had lost $400 Thursday betting on Cardinal Luis Antonio Tagle to become pope. “Oh, son of a…

CAIRO—In what many are calling the most cringe discovery of the century, a team of archaeologists reportedly uncovered evidence this week of a completely embarrassing Egyptian Rockabilly dynasty. “While excavating an area around the Valley…

WASHINGTON—In a move the Trump administration claims will reduce government waste and remove redundancies from federally funded programs, the National Endowment for the Arts announced a sweeping round of layoffs Wednesday that terminated…

PBS NewsHour Interrupted By Repo Men Seizing Desk - The Onion Published: May 6, 2025 Advertising Advertising Explore More Photos…

FRESNO, CA—Revealing that all of the company’s customers have been seduced by a hidden monstrosity, Sun-Maid announced Tuesday that the girl in the company logo has always been a sentient raisin disguising itself in human flesh. “You’ve…