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WASHINGTON—Complaining that all the extra income would likely bump him up to a higher bracket, President Donald Trump told reporters Tuesday he was worried that the day he spent working at McDonald’s while on the campaign trail would screw…

WASHINGTON—Rushing to purchase the hoofed mammals before the Trump administration’s tariffs on Canadian imports went into effect, Americans across the country were reportedly stockpiling moose on Monday. “Prices of moose are already high,…

WASHINGTON—Saying he was just more deadweight hampering the executive branch’s ability to function efficiently, Elon Musk confirmed Monday that he had offered himself $10 billion to resign from his position as head of President Trump’s…

Despite CDC recommendations that everyone get their shot by the end of October, less than half of American adults receive flu vaccines, with many refraining due to misinformation they encounter online. The Onion breaks down common myths…

WASHINGTON—Pledging to restore racial purity to the nation’s aviation programs, President Donald Trump assured the families of American Eagle Flight 5342 victims on Friday that he was doing everything possible to resegregate flight schools.…

WASHINGTON—Hopelessly captivated by the animal’s cheerful energy and striking appearance, the U.S. populace reportedly converged upon a D.C.-area park Tuesday where sources confirmed that all 340 million Americans were vying for the…

NEW YORK—In a desperate attempt to revive their floundering brand amid declining revenues, WeightWatchers officials announced Thursday that butter was now worth zero points. “Joining the likes of cauliflower, plain Greek yogurt, and…

WASHINGTON—Saying it was only by divine intervention that he was still standing, President Donald Trump stated during a press briefing Thursday that God had spared his life during last night’s midair collision of an Army helicopter and a…

ATLANTA—In a harrowing fulfillment of biblical prophecy that left customers screaming as their fast food orders disappeared before their eyes, panicked sources reported Tuesday that every Chick-fil-A store had been raptured. The…

MONTGOMERY, AL—Calling it a “revolutionary way” to experience the full wrath of the carceral state, the Alabama Department of Corrections unveiled Friday a new Death Row Fast Pass that allows convicts to skip the line for…