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WASHINGTON—With a half-whispered murmur of “Hey, hey, ho, ho, has got to ,” thousands of the nation’s mumblers marched on Washington Wednesday demanding something or other. “Obviously these people care enough to take to the streets in…

President-elect Donald Trump promised to abolish the U.S. Department of Education. The Onion examines the pros and cons of eliminating the federal agency. PRO: Paves way for bold new predatory loans CON: Without standardized testing,…

NEW YORK—In an effort to support factories that exploit cheap labor but employ 50 or fewer people, American Express announced this week that Dec. 4 would mark its first-ever Small Sweatshop Saturday. “Small sweat shops—which keep their…

EL SEGUNDO, CA—Revealing that split ends have grown 50% stronger in just the past decade, a new study published Friday by researchers at the L’Oréal Academy warned that overuse of hair detangler was giving rise to new product-resistant…

WASHINGTON—Revealing that retirees have a lot to look forward to after exiting the workforce, the Federal Reserve Survey of Consumer Finances, published Wednesday, found that the majority of Americans had enough saved for an absolutely…

WASHINGTON—In a memo that stated they couldn’t even smell the stuff without gagging, officials at the Food and Drug Administration announced Wednesday a plan to ban Captain Morgan rum, citing the fact that they’d had way too much of that…

PALM BEACH, FL—Sighing as he pulled on the head of a gargoyle while searching for a secret entrance to his old closet, Barron Trump reportedly returned home from college Tuesday to find his mother, Melania Trump, had converted his room into…

THE HEAVENS—The color noticeably returning to His white beard as His cheeks began to flush with a youthful glow, celestial sources reported Monday that God has looked 400 millennia younger since He began undergoing a controversial procedure…

WASHINGTON—Urging the public to remain skeptical until the object could be studied further, NASA officials confirmed during a press conference Wednesday that there was a potential link between extraterrestrials and the giant metal claw…

In an election where Americans finally began to tune out legacy media, CBS drove the decline. A new Gallup poll from October found Americans’ trust in mass media hit a new low with just less than a third maintaining a “great deal” or a…