news

WASHINGTON—Stressing that they were approaching the future with the utmost seriousness, the nation’s fuckups announced a plan Friday to get their shit together for real this time. “While I know we’ve made assurances like this in the past,…

Grimes Slaps ‘I Bought This Before Elon Went Crazy’ Sticker On Child - The Onion News In Photos Share Published: March 21, 2025 More News in Photos…

Spam texts are on the rise. The Onion shares tips for dealing with scam and spam messages on your phone. Remember that the IRS will never contact you over text, unless you are in serious trouble and need to pay right now. If replying with…

WASHINGTON—Warning that the charge carried a five-year mandatory minimum sentence, the U.S. Department of Justice declared Friday that the distribution of images featuring a balding Elon Musk constituted an act of domestic terrorism. “For…

WASHINGTON—Despite the risks to national security from revealing such confidential information, the Pew Research Center released a study Thursday proving that 93% of individuals with one earbud in are receiving top-secret commands from HQ.…

WASHINGTON—Addressing the nation to reveal that one of the greatest threats facing the country had been eradicated, President Donald Trump announced Thursday that SEAL Team Six had killed a U.S. protester in a daring overnight raid.…

Beef tallow, also known as rendered beef fat, is trending among beauty and health influencers. Here is everything you need to know about the by-product. Q: What is beef tallow used for? A: Cooking, skincare, and fixing squeaky cows. …

WASHINGTON—In a decisive victory for longtime champions of the cause, congressional leaders announced Wednesday the passage of a new federal law mandating that all women talk with a baby voice. “Under the terms of this legislation, every…

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Finding himself stopped upon entering a building at the Trump International Golf Club, Vice President JD Vance was reportedly reminded by a staff member Tuesday that caddies are not allowed in the clubhouse. “Sir, sir,…

BALTIMORE—In the wake of news that the New York senator had postponed his book tour amid controversy over his vote for a spending bill, dejected Chuck Schumer superfan Sean Angston told reporters Monday that he couldn’t believe he had…