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SPARTANBURG, SC—Opting not to choose sides, sources told reporters today that neither member of separating couple Max Kiely and Jennifer Rush kept their friends after the breakup. “After hearing both perspectives on how this breakup went…

CHICAGO—Gawking at the novel sight with her mouth agape, 32-year-old tourist Helena Jensen told reporters this week that she was impressed by the immense size of Chicago’s residents. “Back home, we don’t have anything this massive, you…

Food prices continue to rise as supermarkets and manufacturers rake in record profits, squeezing many American families’ budgets. The Onion shares tips for saving money on groceries. Make a list and stick to it unless Ben & Jerry’s is…

IRVINE, CA—Despite the fast food chain’s self-described dedication to innovation, Taco Bell announced Friday that it was plumb out of ideas for new places to put ground beef. “We’re stumped—we can’t think of anywhere else to put our…

This Monday, the Supreme Court kicked off its new term. Here is a selection of some of the most consequential issues the court can be expected to rule on over the coming months. Metabolic disease as proof of citizenship: The Supreme…

NEW YORK—In a move widely criticized as insulting the intelligence of viewers, a movie chyron reportedly drew outrage Wednesday for reading “Davenport, IA” as if it wasn’t glaringly obvious that the establishing shot was of Vander Veer…

Carnival Cruise Debuts Extravagant All-Inclusive Journey To Edge Of Earth - The Onion Advertising Trending News Recent News Join The Millions Of…

STOCKHOLM—In a ceremony at the Royal Swedish Academy of Sciences, the Nobel Committee reportedly awarded their annual prize in physics Tuesday to Zoomer and Zorbit, two aliens commonly seen driving a tie-dye Volkswagen bug while flashing…

According to researchers, “gray divorce,” a term referring to divorce occurring at age 50 or older, is on the rise. Here is what to know about the increasing divorce rate among older American couples. Q: What makes gray divorce different…

SAN DIEGO—Appearing excited by a change of pace around the lab, researchers at the University of California, San Diego, reportedly laughed and cheered Friday as one of their perfectly preserved Neanderthal specimens regained consciousness…