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SULPHUR, OK—In a heartwarming visit that both man and boy are likely to remember for the rest of their lives, Sgt. Thomas Anderson, a highly decorated soldier from the Cyber War of 2096, reportedly returned to his childhood home Wednesday…

ATLANTA—According to a new study published Tuesday by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, not a single person has been born in the United States during the past five years. “While the general fertility rate has been…

The Sex Lives Of College Girls (Season 3), Max: The hit show is back to answer last season’s cliffhanger question, “Him? For real?” Hoarders: Extra Gross Edition, A&E: This spinoff still exploits mental illness, but with more crawling…

ARLINGTON, VA—In a high-level alert that revealed a geo-political rival of the United States could soon become the first nation capable of wielding the most powerful force in the universe, the Pentagon warned Friday that China was actively…

SAN FRANCISCO—In an emergency press conference at which she issued a stark warning to the nation, panicked Pottery Barn president Monica Bhargava announced Friday that the home furnishing chain had lost control of the wicker. “We long…

The Justice Department has vowed to “vigorously defend” President Donald Trump’s executive order ending citizenship for U.S.-born children of undocumented immigrants after a federal judge temporarily blocked it. The Onion examines the pros…

CENTENNIAL, CO—With a series of television ads that will run in all major media markets and feature dozens of bloated, wincing celebrities, industry trade group the National Beef Council debuted its new “You’re Supposed To Feel Like That”…

WASHINGTON—Pointing to the mounting scientific evidence showing the risks of using such explosive devices, outgoing U.S. Surgeon General Vivek Murthy issued an advisory this week in which he recommended adding cancer warning labels to all…

NEW YORK—Describing the time-tested method as a nearly guaranteed way of attracting a mate’s interest, a report released Thursday by Columbia University’s Department of Social Psychology found that the best pickup technique remained…

President Donald Trump pardoned approximately 1,500 rioters who participated in the Jan. 6, 2021 attack on the U.S. Capitol. Here is everything you need to know about the pardons and commutations: Q: Who is celebrating the pardons? A:…