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ASHEVILLE, NC—Saying he wished there was more he could do to help as he pointed out a clause that showed he didn’t have to, a representative from an insurance company explained to local residents Stan and Loretta Coleman on Thursday that…

VALDOSTA, GA—Urging first responders to act quickly after he spotted the placard amongst the wreckage, a heartbroken Donald Trump clutched a limp campaign lawn sign Thursday that had been washed away by Hurricane Helene. “Please,…

CANTON, MA—Shining a light on the unsettling realities behind the foods we eat, a disturbing video shot by undercover activists and posted on YouTube Thursday reportedly shows workers at a Dunkin’ hatchery disposing of male donuts in an…

VATICAN CITY—Saying the effort could bring the Lord’s message to an entirely different scale of life, the Vatican dispatched its first-ever micro-missionaries Wednesday on a trip to convert native bacteria. “The church teaches that God’s…

MONTGOMERY, NJ—Touting faster relief from the symptoms of delirium common to women, Tylenol introduced a new extra-strength fainting couch Thursday for use by feverish consumers. “This fast-acting chaise longue promises instant relief from…

RICHARDSON, TX—In an effort to help his students one day navigate the harsh realities of an adult relationship, local sex ed teacher Robert Emerson reportedly spent class Wednesday teaching male students how to cheat on their pregnant…

A decade after its discovery in the Taklamakan Desert, paleogeneticists in China have extracted and sequenced DNA from cheese found in a Bronze Age grave. What do you think? “This is why you should never sequence DNA when you’re…

BURLINGTON, VT—Though the man is met with little more than polite smiles and indifferent nods as he brings his dog around from cubicle to cubicle, sources at Patterson Technologies confirmed Tuesday that employee Kyle Lutz thinks his…

TYLER, TX—Honing his brain imaging-form until sundown most nights, local high school quarterback Brendan Porter has reportedly used a tire swing this week to practice putting his head through a CT scanner. “With the big game coming up, I’m…

WASHINGTON—Gawking at the widespread destruction caused by Hurricane Helene across much of the southeastern United States, the Federal Emergency Management Agency issued a statement Monday announcing, “Damn, that’s crazy.” “So much water,…